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buildings with a hundred floors,
spinning 'round revolving doors.
baby i don't know where they'll take me.

entries about chat links



breakaway
a short profile perhaps ?
a music player or hit counter ?
Tuesday, November 8, 2011 // 9:54 PM

So today, some idiot came over and spoilt my mood thoroughly. Like my self-esteem isn't at basement 4 already. I'm not as stupid as to let you hurt me again. Too bad. I feel horribly sad for you. PERIOD.

3 more days.
Thursday, October 20, 2011 // 7:28 PM

3 more days to Os. Less than a month till Os are over. I haven't got any confidence at all. I really hope I enter the course. I just hope that I can maintain the standard of my prelims, if I don't improve... Please.. -fingers crossed-

This photo best show what i am now. I'm that dark little figure that nobody can see clearly. I'm sick and tired of my life. It feels horrible. I'm losing everyone.

Life is fucked. Things always happen at the wrong time
Saturday, September 24, 2011 // 10:21 AM

Okay, so the flu sucks. Honestly. I have 30 days left till O levels and I just wasted the whole of last night sleeping like a pig. That's not the right thing to do when you're supposed to mug like some idiot, but I can't help it. I thought I'd feel loads better today morning but I was horribly wrong. Things didn't get worse, but I didn't feel better. Nope, not at all. The headache's really bad. Enough to kill. I have loads of homework to do cos I didn't go to school yesterday. My life's so awesome. I might have to spend the whole day doing work and not study. Maybe tomorrow will be wasted on homework. I really need to study. Dot the teachers understand? We need to study in order to do our exams. Giving us homework now will just make us more reliant on the textbook for info. Sucks to be me. I hope I can at least maintain my 5 distinctions, and R5 = 14 if not do better.

Hello dead blog.
Friday, September 23, 2011 // 3:42 PM

Nothing much to say. I shall attempt to revive you once my Os are over. I'm really fat and ugly now. And my traits sucks. This post is so lame. Anw, a photo for memories.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011 // 7:38 PM

I so totally cannot believe I am here. Bimbotic much? YEAH. I shall try to make this place lively (for myself, at least) again. It's kinda good 'cause nobody ever visits my blog so I can write secrets here. *hushhush*

MYE's over. There's no band. I just recovered from deadly flu so I have not been studying. FYI, my results really suck. 5Cs. I should just go and commit suicide already. It's not that bad, really. That's if you consider the fact that I didn't study. AT ALL. I am guilty. I will die when I get my report slip back. HAHA. But then again, I am one of those 20 odd people who passed all. Ease my guilt. A little bit. Anyway, I've got to goooo. BYEBYE. HAHA.

Hello dead blog.
Saturday, May 7, 2011 // 4:16 PM

Obviously nobody's reading this screwed up piece of shit anymore. I love tumblr. Really. It's where I belong. Okay, so I'm on my way to O levels in a few short months time. AHHH. How time flies. I shouldn't slack anymore, but I still am. Sadly.

Imma screw MYE this time worse than any other time. So no, don't ask me why. Cos I slacked like a pig after SYF. Hung over from leaving band. So whatever. I still have prelims and Os to NOT SCREW UP. Nothing else to say, so tata. See you again soon.

Dead, rotting blog.
Sunday, February 6, 2011 // 3:08 PM

I'm surprised that there aren't vultures here. It's been dead since 22/12. Can you smell it? Okay, I'm laming. I'm bored, so here I ammmm. Life obviously suck. I hardly even have enough time to complete my homework. That sucks. I don't have time to study for all the class tests, and common tests are coming. SYF is coming too. At least after April, it'll be less stressful. My last SYF.

This is a damn short post. I'm leaving soon. Came here because I'm reallyreally bored and I don't feel like touching my homework or textbooks. Die blog, DIEEE. I'm damn lame. No life uh, bear with me. Test tomorrow. I know Imma fail. BYEBYEWORLD.

PS. My dyslexia is getting worse, I can't spell cosine. I spell it as socine. FML.

Bach Invention No. 1 in C
Wednesday, December 22, 2010 // 10:02 PM

It's nothing. It's just me, having a bad time. I have all my homework undone. So it suck. I haven't got any mood to do any at all. School starting, I'm getting cold feet. It doesn't matter how bad it feels like because I have to face it no matter what.

I have incessant fear. The scary thing is that I have not the faintest idea what I'm afraid of. It sucks my soul out of me. How can anyone not know what they're afraid of. It's just pathetic. It goes to show others how empty I actually am.

Bach Invention No. 1 in C. The piece I struggled for almost half a year. I never liked it because it was really hard for me. I was only a grade 2 when I played that. It's about grade 4/5. I hated it. I can't be bothered to practice it. I only play it for about 5 minutes everyday. Then I woke up. If I don't try, I will never improve. I'll be a grade 2 forever. I struggled my way out about 3 months of not practicing. In a week, I manage to learn how play it. It was really slow. To others, it's just a technique practice. That's precisely why I hate it. I have problems with controlling my wrist movements. But after that 6 months, Bach Invention 1 in C meant more than a mere technique practice piece to me. It's a reminder that I should never give up. It's hard, really hard. But if I never try, I'll never know how far I can push myself, I'll never improve, never move forward at all. Now that I can't play anything at all, and feel like leaving, I find myself once again trying Bach Invention 1 in C. It sounds mortifyingly horrible. Trust me, this wrist ligament problem detonated my built-up techniques and hard work all these years. It sucks to be reminded of it every time I touch a piano. It's okay though, at least now I'm facing it. Who knows, maybe I'd be able to control my wrists better and play better than before. Let's hope so. I hope so. I really do.

Should I?
Sunday, December 12, 2010 // 3:43 PM

I'm still considering whether I should delete this blog. It's funny how I got so angry with one effing guy for breaking my heart. It's hilarious. I can't stop laughing whenever I read my old posts from this year. It's like... Okay, I didn't know I'm such an idiot.

Yes, I wanna delete it because I don't wanna remember how retarded and childish I've been. All those silly things make me feel even more stupid than I already am. And... It's really tedious having to sit down and think of something to post using good english and things like that. I don't like short posts. That's one reason why I love tumblr so freaking much. I just have to sit there, in front of the computer and stone. Click reblog when I see some cool, lovely, cute quotes, photos and typographies. I'm more and more anti-social. Sooo, it means that everything private won't go on the net. It'll be safely kept in my diary. I haven't finish the last one. It's kinda pathetic. I should've finished all the pages this year. I'm not even at half. Almost, but not yet. It's lovely though, my diary. Full of colours. Maybe I just am a little too crazy about the black paper inside. -.- Anyways, I shall be a little bit more camwhore-ish. I think wordy posts are really boring. And I don't like uploading to tumblr at all, so I'll porrly post photos here. I don't have beaucoup bucks to spend on printing photos, pasting them in my diary. I'll photo spam here IF I have the time. LOL. I don't thing I'll have that much time on the net next year. I've to study, there'll be loads of homework to be done and band practice till after indoor SYF. Ahwell, I DO want to do well. Too bad. Maybe, there'll be higher chances if my laptop arrives next year. After May, fastest. ARGGH. =) I hope this blog will not dissipate so soon.

Love,
Mels.

How's life?
Monday, December 6, 2010 // 9:58 AM

Life has been as it always is, sucky. But from how my attitude for it has changed, I guess it's fine. No matter how bad life is, it has all got to do with up there. In your mind. It's already December. Less than a month more school starts, then I'd be mugging for Os already. Kinda suck? YEAH. I hope I don't do that badly. Well, that depends on how hard I'm gonna work next year, don't it? I can foresee myself having no life at all, at home with piles of books.

Things aren't really getting better. I think I'm getting stupider. My ligaments' condition is obviously deteriorating. Sometimes I wonder why I can still be so jolly, laughing and smiling. I'm hell loads fatter. I should exercise more. No link... Anyways, since band has stood down, I'll try my best to study and do my homework, no promises though. I've got a feeling I won't finish all. A few, MAYBE. Just maybe.

This blog is reallyreally dead. I'm sorry I'm a bitch. I left blogger for tumblr. HAHA. Much more fun. This will be left here to dissipate into nothingness. Only, that can never happen, since this is virtual, these all are non-existent. What's left to be gone?

Tired swollen eyes,
Sunday, November 21, 2010 // 8:35 PM

As the title suggests, you all should be able to tell what I've been doing for the past not-so-good few days. It doesn't matter. Nobody cares anyway. I don't too. HAHA. That's kinda pathetic, but never mind. I'm not gorging myself down with food or starving myself, which is very weird. It's the holidays for goodness sake. I don't feel hungry. Chocolates don't make me salivate. I'm never hungry, because I eat rubbish food that aren't appetizing. Rubbish food, not fastfood. It just mean they taste rubbish-like. The only normal thing I still eat is Subway. That is something I definitely can't live without. I'm going to Starbucks soon, for good quality coffee. Actually, I want the whipped cream. I have no idea why I love whipped cream so much. Maybe it's the fact that it's freaking fattening.

My blog is really really dead and rotting. Even when I'm trying to post (like now) I can't stop checking my tumblr. I have 11 followers. Yeah, that's kinda pathetic, others have hundreds. It's been months I have a tumblr already. Well, not everybody can be good at it I guess. It's just too bad I'm not good at anything besides being a klutz. Imma do something more productive like get out of the house and exercise because I'm fat. It's really ironic how I love whipped cream, the most fattening thing ever. I'm already very fat and I'm allergic to milk. It's just weird. Speaking of getting out of my house, there's really nothing to do. Since I'm single and totally friendless, there is really no need to go for christmas shopping. It doesn't have masochism in it. Yes, it's painful to remind myself how damn lonely I am, but I don't feel the pleasure in that pain. There's absolutely no need to but anything for anyone, since I have no friends, but it's just weird to not spend in the holiday season. Maybe buying christmas presents just give me a reason to splurge and spend unnecessarily. I have nothing to buy myself too, since my closet is already filled with a lot of new clothes I grabbed from the end season sales. That's just BORING. It's not something new though, I have always had a boring life. And I've always been boring anyway. I'll just find something to do, besides my homework, of course. I'll most prolly only do my tuition homework. Yeah, I'm a SLACKER.

Frivolous,
Wednesday, November 17, 2010 // 11:52 AM

So, life still goes on regardless whether you hate the fact or not. You're reluctant, but time continue slipping, the clock keeps on ticking and the seconds goes by. Complain all you want, there's nothing you can do about it.

I'm sitting here wasting time, listening to music doing nothing but typing. I haven't got anything useful to do, besides my tuition homework which I absolutely don't want to do. Does it even makes sense? Oh, forget it. I'm just a lazy pig who doesn't wish to do anything. I have a lot of differentiation homework to do. Not like it's super hard, but it's A-math. Nobody would want to do it unless there's a screw loose up there. You get what I mean. I'll still have to do it later because there's band tomorrow, and Friday meaning I won't have any time besides today to do already.

I'm going to forget whatever I should forget, him and everything else that's happened between us. It's like it had never existed, well that's the truth. Most of it is just me living in denial, I guess. Not now, but then. All methods had failed. I almost did succeed. That makes everything feels worse. I got slapped by reality in September after CT2. My grade are dropping and everything. I've got to do something. Buried myself in books and I thought I've let go. For months, it's been gone, until that day it all came back. I don't know what else to do. I've tried to hate, to use extreme weird methods, till the numbness, till I did almost succeed. The stress is never ending. Worse than failing exams, it is. I failed so many times. It gets worse each time. Maybe it's just me. No matter what you do, I can never be angry at you or hate you. I knew it all along, but I still tried to. Maybe that made it worse. IDK.

"But most of all, I hate the fact that I don't hate you, not even a little bit, not at all."

-10 things I hate about you, 1999.

Eating disorders,
Wednesday, November 10, 2010 // 10:34 PM

At this rate I'm going, I'd die even if I don't commit suicide. The stress and everything. I feel like I'm anorexic. I've lost about 2 kg because I constantly tell myself that I'm fat and actually feel full all the time causing me to eat less. Does that count? Today, I've done badly for my exam. I'm nothing but pathetic. I'm super upset. Now, I wanna do nothing but eat and eat and EAT. I guess I'd become bulimic if that happens. I don't know why I have such extreme de-stressing methods. At least I'm not doing 'that' anymore. Who knows? Maybe I'd renege the agreement I had with myself again. Hopefully not. Things will get better only if the bitch named life stops being one. That's impossible. HAHA.

I remember when nothing stood in our way, when the world's spinning for us. Today, you were so very close. You can't imagine that rash impulse within me that wants to run straight to you and discuss how impossible the paper was. You can't even imagine how much I wanted you to hug me when I knew I wasn't gonna do well and cried. Maybe you didn't even see me in front of you. I keep trying to hate you. I'm trying to enrage myself whenever you're in front of me, but I can't. I'm only angry with myself for failing time and again when you re-enter my line of vision. I try to lie to myself, letting my brain be a renegade to all my other body parts. I try to hide the fact that my heart is still beating for you. Every time I see your face, I fail. All the hard work, all gone. My suppressed feelings made known again. I guess it doesn't matter at all. Not to you, at least. But then again, if it don't matter to you, it's meaningless to me too. I should be forgotten by now. It's like you've never had known me, and I never had enter your life. Only I am so stupid to keep hanging on, holding on to it. I just can't stop loving you. I'm sorry I loved you. I'm even more sorry I love you.

Change,
Sunday, October 31, 2010 // 9:24 PM

It's the only constant thing in our pathetic human lives, that well know. TOOBAD. This time for me, it's by choice. I've gotta feeling I'm gonna fail badly because change takes place unknowingly (always). Who knows what's gonna happen if it's taking place intentionally? I have more than enough reasons why I should, so don't tell me I shouldn't. I've had enough of a fucked-up life already. It's time for me to take control of my own and take care of my heart. I'm gonna be a bitch, if it's what it takes. Because at this point of time, nothing in this world matters anymore.

People marching to the drums, everybody's having fun to the sound of love,
Saturday, October 16, 2010 // 1:28 PM

Yet, I'm sitting here thinking about how much my life suck reminiscing about how my existence never ever mattered to anyone. HEH.

No lah, I'm fine. I'm just being dumb. Exams are over. I still can't believe it's over sooo freaking fast. I still have that Imma fail everything thingy going in my hear. I'm losing my sleep. It's horribly terrible. I'm half-sick. That makes everything worse.

I'm changing a lot. I'm not even going out. I hate going out. Sometimes I really don't wanna go to school. Heck everything. I just don't wanna step out of the house. Because I'm mad. Great explanation right? I just wanna be alone nowadays. I can't stand company. I'm almost dead around people, even alone. Somehow that voice inside is trying to shout louder and louder. Sometimes it seem like it's almost impossible to shut it up. Kill it, I tell myself. I find myself segregating myself from the others more. I find myself blasting music more often. I wish I could get over this pathetic thoughts.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010 // 10:15 PM

I should be shot dead this instant, I mean it. How can I not be motivated to study for my favourite subject? I can't stop mugging hard for chemistry, but what about biology? I haven't even touched it. Maybe I really have become lazy. Why, why? Sometimes I just wanna let go and go. I don't know why things have been getting back like a few months ago. That voice inside have been shouting louder than usual, nothings drowns it. There're reasons why I choose to blast music all the time, watch drama instead of sleeping. I can't stand the silence, not anymore. I wonder when will all this stop. When I'll really move on. I'm tired. I wanna give up right now.

PS. How's my deadeadeadead blog?

Fat,
Friday, September 24, 2010 // 11:03 PM

Oh, look at the title. It makes me laugh. There's nothing about the weight to grumble. I'm satisfied with what I have right now, pretty much lah. I still need to lose 1.5 inches, but I'm okay with my weight now. I used to be, fatter. So nowadays, people in my class calls me Winnie the Pooh. This whole thing was started by Joshua, I don't know why I look like one to him, but that's how it started. One fine day called yesterday it started all over again. He made me pose as the pooh printed on my pencil case. I stupidly asked others whether I looked like it. And now, I'm pooh all over again. I don't like being called pooh because pooh is fat. It makes me feel inferior. It's just me being childish. Haha. I'm bored and lifeless. All thanks to studying and lugging for EOYs. I wanna die. LALALALA. Geog class tomorrow. Boring.

Disappointed,
Saturday, September 18, 2010 // 1:59 PM

Yeah, I am. By myself. I don't know why I can't do chinese. And why my chinese results suck so much nowadays. I feel like dropping out of school sometimes. I am trying. I'm studying harder, but it seem like there isn't much effect at all. The fact that I'm slow makes it a whole lot worse. Seriously, it just suck. Dyslexia makes it worse. A whole paragraph of words just don't make sense to me no matter how many times I read it. I'm trying hard study, but I'm trying even harder to make myself not give up. How not to give up when I do know I don't belong in an express class? Worse still I'm in the second best class in the level? I'm not even supposed to be in a normal school. I wish I could flap my wings and fly up high. You can do it if you try? God, I should stop listening to RHYTHM OF LIFE. It's making me go mad. Since when I love to try. I should just give up and die. 自甘堕落 all I want.

PS. I hope I can breakdown soon. So that I can be sent away to IMH and not study, face all these shits and be suicidal, because that alone is already suicide.

Thursday, September 16, 2010 // 8:35 PM

Hearts melt on lemon drops. The citrus acid was too strong. When you squeezed it onto my wound. The pain was unbearable. That's how love life destroys a person. LOL. That's just crap.

Life really suck? I don't know. At least I've got a lot to do now. Homework and examinations are always on my mind. Mugging is number one now. BUT, whether I mug and study in the end, it's another thing all together. At least I won't abandon people to study. and yet end up slacking and not studying at all I've got a lot on my mind now. My brain is malfunctioning. I'm not really complaining. Oh, and forgive me for my constant vehement criticism. I'm sorry. Thinking about studying and failing my examinations has masochism in it, yes. It's getting mundane day by day, my life. Thinking too much is never healthy. Then again, more time studying means less time for resting and myself. This blog is rotting already. I can see maggots. My tumblr is still alive. Tumblr is my guilty pleasure. I'm addicted to it. It makes my life feel a little better. I really hope I'd do better this time round. This year had been destroyed since January (that's just too bad for me), I've been underperforming ever since, so yeah. I hope this year would end a bit better than the start, and middle. At least get 3 As, that's my target for EOYs. I don't mind 3 A2s, but at least 3 As please? I hope so. I need to buck up on my math and sciences. Biology especially. I should aim an A for it. It's one of the few subjects that I can do. I hope I can get a B3 for my chemistry though, I don't like the F9 I got for CT2. No particular reason. It just suck to fail anything. It's a miracle if I even hit C5 for english, so I don't count on it. HAHA. I give up. Imma do badly for combined humanities too. I can feel it. But for my conscience's sake, I'll still try my best. Studying starts tomorrow. I hope I can really score as well as planned, 3 As. I've never started revising so early before. In the meantime, I hope I'll get well soon. Having bad wrists ain't doing me any good, especially when I need to write fast. Ahwell, pray.

PS. I'll be laughing at you soon, baby. So much so for pushing me out for studying. Sometimes I can't make up my mind about wanting to see you fall badly. I just hope I won't feel sad for you about it because you deserve it, reaping what you sow. No study = fail. Simple. I'd remember how cheap talk is, baby. In a few months time. Oh, maybe you don't give a damn. Disappointing your parents was another beautiful lie of yours.

PS. I wonder why sometimes we want someone we'd never met/knew before so much. Life is full of wonders. ♡

Don't ask,
Friday, September 3, 2010 // 10:05 PM

Sometimes, I just wanna go. I just wanna forget every single thing that have happened. Good and bad. I've had enough. The strength to go on is not something I possess. Fatigue is not able to even express the tiredness of life that I'm experiencing. I just wanna let go of everything I'm holding on, because it means nothing now. Nothing at all. All that I've worked hard for, all that I use to have, all gone.

I used to have As, now I only have Bs and below. I used to be able to play the piano, not anymore. I used to not give up no matter what, but that strength is gone. I wanna sleep and never wake up, because maybe this is some kind of joke. I'm gonna die in my dream/nightmare then wake up tomorrow to reality that don't suck that much. I'm effing delusional. I'll send myself to IMH soon. I can't control myself. Sometimes I have the urge to jump on random people to hug them. I want to cry everything out, but the tears've run out. I stare at blank spaces, thinking of the reason for my existence. Then again, I should already be thankful. I shouldn't be where I am today. I use to be everybody's sun, but I guess I'm everyone's dark cloud now. Ooops, I've forgotten that I'm nothing to everyone. Aww. I just need a break. A real long one.

PS. Someone lend me your shoulder to lean on now. Give me a bear hug, because I need to cry in someone's arms right now.

I still want my dream to come true.
Monday, August 30, 2010 // 10:55 PM

No, this time, it is not some crazy little impossible dream of mine. It has never been. I used to want to be a violinist. I still want to be. A little dream, nothing special or extraordinary. It's just a me thing I guess. I always thought it was nice to play a string instrument. That dream is shattered.

From the start, I was really happy to even learn piano, thinking that having at least a little music background will help me in the future if I ever get to learn piano. Then, a few years later, playing the piano had become part of my everyday routine. My skills matured a lot after constant practice. Then it occurred to me that I may never learn any string instrument because my fingers will lose sensitivity. It's either piano or that. I chose piano because it has always been there for me. It's a part of my life now.

This year, my wrist problems really upset me. No more piano. No more music. I don't know what's left in life anymore. An empty shell. No more excitement, no more stress whenever I can't play something, no more sense of accomplishment when I do something incredible on the keys, no more venting of anger, no more emotional destress by having one night stands with christmas carols. I haven't been thinking a lot. Losing music (piano) equates to losing almost everything to me. It was an immediate notice. I wasn't mentally prepared at all. I haven't recovered from my shock yet. I think most people know that I'd rather die than lose my ability to play the piano. I did try, when I'm not supposed to. I can never believe how I sound. It's not even amateurish. It's worse that that. I can't find a word that describe how it sounds. Letting someone hear a pianist play such music is an insult to all musicians and music itself.

I guess my nonchalant attitude towards life, towards everything I have is just too much. One should cherish whatever they have, should be thankful for what him/her have because the most important thing to him/her may not be see as it is after he/she loses it. The most insignificant thing in life may become the most important/needed/wanted thing in your life once you lose it. Nothing you have is given by chance. We all should be thankful.

It's boring,
Tuesday, August 24, 2010 // 10:30 PM

I guess this time, reality really hit me hard. I feel like as if I'm slapped in the face, someone screaming at me saying ' Wake up, stop slacking and being complacent. Look what's become of you.' That is really a bad experience. I never want to try that again. I'm going to work hard. I hope I can, I hope I won't be lazy.

Chemistry retest today. I made a few really stupid careless mistakes that made me wanna kill myself because it's really DUMB. I may not get an A for it, but I think passing isn't hard. For once, I really understand chemistry thoroughly. The difference between putting effort in studying and not putting effort at all I guess. I'm slacking now, which is bad. I can't do it. I'm really tired today. There's a chinese idiom test tomorrow.

Hands are like shit. Pain to the max, plus the wrist splints make me look like a retard, everyone can't stop staring. I feel stupid too. I can't carry my bag properly, as in lift it up. I can't hold things properly, can't write properly also. I can't imagine how funny I look to a lot of people. I can't open my bottle. It's funny how life can be. I use to take care of fish, now she's to take care of me. Ahwell. Life.

No, I'm sure this time.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010 // 5:41 PM

Well, my results really suck. I have a 5, 6 and 7. Hopefully no 8s. I'll really commit suicide if that happens. For once I'm grateful that PW and class tests are taken into account. My results are the worst I've ever had. It's really a wake-up call for me. I'm never ever, I repeat, never ever gonna do so badly anymore.

No more copying of homework. I'll try to complete all my homework on time, and I'll mug like hell during examination period (CCA stand down period). No more last minute work. EOY, I hope I don't fail you as badly.

Guitar hero,
Sunday, August 15, 2010 // 7:47 PM

Life's still great as life is, no need to elaborate on that point. It suck to think about how badly I've done, but the week ahead is for me to face. I'm gonna try do all my homework as promised (to myself). A math is a must-do. Binomial Theorem seem manageable, but I have still queries about that chapter. I'm not gonna fail my maths, because I'll commit suicide if I did. Better buck up, or just waste a year redoing my 'O' levels in 2013.

Well, loads of things planned in the near future. I'm gonna train my vocals, heck care the strain. My voice is like shit. Goes super sharp (sometimes more than an octave sharper) when I sing. It's super irritating. I can't stand it. Then, I'll go practice my E-flat clarinet pitching, 'cause I suck. Hopefully my wrists don't die in the process of doing it. Homeworks are to be done, or completed. At least half of them, no more last minute studying, and there goes my weekends. It's hard to think of. I'm gonna cut down time on facebook, since it kills all my free time. Blogging and tumblring will be less too. That suck, yeah. To the max. I'm gonna chiong piano too. My chromatics are in a shit mess thanks to my wrists too. Ahwell, no more no more free time. Life's about to suck more. HAHA. But in slightly more than a year's time it's gonna be worth it. I'm not gonna waste my life away anymore.

PS. I like guys who play the guitar. And Desiree thinks that's ridiculous. I think 'He's hot, but he freaking have braces.' is so much weirder. Like as if it makes a guy un-hot to have braces. AHWELL, personal preferences.

Tired, tried.
Friday, August 13, 2010 // 11:05 PM

Common Tests are finally over. Am I relieved? Not really. I flunked pretty much everything, and for once it's real. I know I won't do well. This year, I've been really lazy, and I really don't have the motivation to study. Yes, last-minute work has proven that study = long term work. This year's work has been shitty. I don't understand half of what's taught in class. Yes, I haven't worked hard, but I tried. I gave up. Not for EOYs. I can't stand seeing my results so sucky.

This common test is a wake up call. I don't know how hard I'll work for EOYs, but harder than this time. I'm gonna fully utilize the CCA stand-down period, not start a day before the exam. More importantly, I'll attempt all my homework or at least chemistry and math. My math results are totally unacceptable. My As all fly away. Chemistry, I'll aim for a B in SA2. A and E math will become As again. Biology too. I need to wake up.

But then again, that's if I live till then.

PS. I'm a happy girl.

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend,
Wednesday, August 11, 2010 // 6:40 PM

My favourite song now. Lucky. It's not, no it's not because I'm in love with my best friend. I know Jake would want me to be, but I won't. HAHA. I love it because it makes love sound so easy. It makes love sound so real, so strong, the way it should be. Across the ocean, love is still as strong, no matter how far apart you are, it's just that little bond between two that holds so true. It doesn't matter how far your distance is, because you know one day, the both of you will be together, someday you'd be home together, again. No matter how difficult life is, no matter how the world spins horribly that you're sick of your life, there'll always be someone out there waiting to catch you when you fall. That's love.

It's dumb, examinations kills. My wrist, at least, if my mood ain't included. English came before Geography, which was dumb, because after the english paper, half of my Geography stuff disappeared from my brain. My right wrist was in serious pain after the paper. I had to rush Geography. 2 questions, do 1. I thought I needed to do both. I could have scored an A if I did the second question, but I stupidly did the first one first, and left half the second question undone. Too bad. I'm gonna do really badly now. I should have read the instructions carefully. I wonder how I'm gonna die tomorrow, to Social Studies essays to complete in an hour, it's a lot of time, compared to SA1, but then again, during SA1, my wrists aren't injured. I'm gonna study like hell tonight and tomorrow morning. I'll study from 8 to 10, bathe at 10, then study till 12, then continue tomorrow morning at 5. Good luck to me. I'm gonna study now.

It happens when you miss someone, and want them too badly. You don't want them anymore.
Sunday, August 8, 2010 // 9:56 PM

It all happens when even Canon in D is in minor key. My life is as hopeless as that. Only, that version of the song goes back into D major key. Mine I guess will either be always in minor, or going downwards to diminished key. Aw, never mind. It's only me being sad anyway.

Ohyeah, I'm finally 15. Sometimes I wonder why 'Happy Birthday'? I'm a year older. It means loads of responsibility are thrown onto my shoulders. I'll have to be more mature, I can't act like I don't care, I can't throw tantrums because I'm still some small kid, I can't cry to anyone just because I am sad. It should be sad. Maybe that's why I never like to celebrate it. Well, nobody celebrates it with me either. This year's birthday is the loneliest and quietest one. Do I mind? I don't really know. Maybe I'm not feeling anything anymore, so it don't matter to me, doesn't bother me. Ahwell, quiet and peaceful birthday. Good enough for me.

PS. I'm sorry. I don't know how to love anyone anymore.

What do I really want,
Monday, August 2, 2010 // 10:03 PM

I don't get life as it goes on. People always say you understand it more, but I don't. Life sucks. I fainted today and didn't go for the HMT common tests, which is high suicidal. My wrists are getting worse, my left one's pain spreads to the lower part of the hand. I still have to wait till 20/8.

I don't get my work, I've obtained my Amath test results and I tell you, it's the shittiest math results I've ever gotten in my life even if I didn't fail it. I still have 2 bleeding questions to do. I'll do it by tonight. I'm becoming more and more piggish. I can't write, and I can't be bothered. I'm gonna do some math. I don't think I can write an essay within 3 hours, so heck it. I'm not doing it. Math isn't that murderous yet. So life continue to suck. My world is upside down. My health is getting worse. Might as well die. It's faster. Good Riddance.

Close your eyes,
Sunday, August 1, 2010 // 10:27 PM

I won't, no I won't. I won't get back anymore, I won't. It's not a matter of having faith or losing faith. It's just that from now on, I let it be. If I'm gonna fail my paper tomorrow because of my useless wrists, then so be it. What more can I do? Might as well accept what's coming rather than fretting over it again and again. Mel, let it be. Nothing you do's gonna help things get any better, then what for? Let it be. Your wrists hurts? Eat panadols it'll get better soon. Can't do homework? Fail your examinations then? Does it matter? No, it doesn't. Whoops, I've forgotten that nobody cares if I'm alive anyway.

Nah, if you people are asking me to cheer up because my birthday's in a week or whatever, just leave it. Give up. I won't. I can't be bothered anymore. My life has been a pathetic mistake from the start, so no. I don't give a bloody fuck about it. I've had enough of it already. Oh, birthday's coming. So? I don't really give a damn. My birthday has always been like that. Plain like water. So don't give me any ideas. Last year's one was crazy enough. At least I had one nice one. That's enough. I'm living in my own world. I just wanna shut my eyes and not wake up anymore. Dreams are always better than reality. I'm just one girl that no one cares nor bother. I get it. 15 years and I've learnt enough to understand that. Haha.

PS. I love you, but it doesn't matter does it? I don't think you give a damn. Nope, I don't think you've ever gave a damn. I'm not worthy of anything, needless to say anyone. I was just being blinded my ego to think that you had felt the same way for me. It's my fault. I'm sorry I love you.

Wish upon a star,
Saturday, July 31, 2010 // 11:30 PM

Never play out all your cards, something that I most probably never learn. Doesn't really matter, does it? Well doing your best, giving your best is always the right thing to do, at least it is to me.

I have to stop thinking, stop ranting about how pathetic I think I am, or I maybe because it doesn't help at all. I'm tired of living life, because it's always a chore when things are not settled, and when there are more than enough unsaid things left to say when you know that there's no chance. Everyday is a misery, everyone knows why for me. I don't really know how to live on when the desperation, the 'want' and 'need' factor is getting more and more prominent in me, and growing stronger day by day. I can't control it, and it's driving me crazy, but who am I to blame, if not myself?

Life is always weird and funny. I'm down in my luck in all ways. I can't write, wrist pains are getting worse, my wrist bones are malaligned. Damn it, but that's life. It happens. I can't do anything about it, but accept it.

PS. I love you.

I need you,
Thursday, July 29, 2010 // 10:00 PM

However irrelevant what you say is doesn't matter, because every simple irrelevant matter is relevant in your life. Yeah, because of all little random irrelevant things mixed together makes your life full of colour and interest. It's not whether it's a sad life or it's a happy and enjoyable one, but how much you gain.

School was still really slacky for me, because I can't write. Thank you Clement, Bea, Jamie, Ivy and Yuni for taking care of me by nagging me, scolding me, helping me carry my books and helping me copy stuff today. My wrists are really making me feel handicapped. School was really boring because half the time I was sitting alone, Keith didn't come. Trigonometry finally makes some sense to me. Like sense. WOW. At least made a little progress.

Went to Sengkang Polyclinic after school for my wrists, I'm gonna go there again tomorrow for the X-ray and blood testS. I'm gonna die. Fear of injections. Never mind, leave it all to tomorrow.

PS. I really need you, especially when it's the down time in my life.

Sometimes, I just wanna tell you I love you in your face.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010 // 9:31 PM

I'm tired, tired of life, everything. I wish I'm dead. I'm worrying about not dying. If I don't die, I'll go crazy at this rate. Oh forget it, 'cause Mel, life always do suck. Nothing ever'll get better only things around it makes you think they're better.

Oh, so today was a really slack day for me. Practical was fun, though. It's fun to see two handicapped people work together. Yuni's leg's still on cast while I can't move both wrists. Slacked the whole day because I can't hold a pen and write. I spent the whole day staring at the teacher. No Geog test for me, no doing corrections for me, no writing for me. Good thing tomorrow's classes end at 1330, so I won't be bored to death in school. I have a mountain of homework waiting for me and I can't do any. Great timing yeah? When I finally wanted to work a bit harder to do some, yesterday my wrists failed me. Aw, but anyway I'm gonna go for x-ray tomorrow, find out what's wrong and stuff. Wish me luck!

Sometimes, I dream of you asking me if I'm okay, but I'd never ever hear your voice speaking to me again.

PS. I love you, I really need you now. Come back. I know you won't. But I'd always wish.

I wish, I pray...
Monday, July 26, 2010 // 9:54 PM

It doesn't matter anymore. Things are different, way more different than I can even comprehend. So yes, life sucks, but I'd gotta find some way to pick myself up, don't I? I'm just tired of how nothing seems right, nothing ever do, nothing ever will. I'll always just screw something up. It really do suck. Math, my best performing subject, and I just screwed my Add. Math common test. I can never be such an disappointment. Some many pin high hopes on me, and I just blew it all up. I don't know how to describe this feeling, because it's beyond my ability to even understand fully how disgusting I am. I'm utterly disgusted by myself. I don't know what to say, but it's just too bad isn't it? Saying YES, I'm an effing good-for-nothing, I can't bloody do my work/study, I can't play the piano anymore because I just fucking suck. It's just too bad. I guess I'll just have to accept the fact that I'm never ever good for anything. FML.

Tired,
Thursday, July 22, 2010 // 11:00 PM

Sometimes I really wonder when'll all these end. I'm flunking all my tests, I don't even know how to get back to my old self which most prolly suck to the max and will cause me to fail everything in EOY. Never mind about that, when the time comes, it will. Life always suck anyway.

Nowadays, moodiness seem to have become a daily routine, or daily must-have. The worst part is not knowing why I feel this way. I really hate myself for being this way sometimes, I'm always too blind to see what's taking place in me. The worst thing is when that I only notice it when the change is complete, when there's nothing I can do about it anymore. This Melissa, I barely know her. She's lazy to the very max, she'd be the winner if she's in a laziness competition. She gets bad mod all the time. The worst thing about her is that she's forgotten how to love. I don't know how I, the new Melissa's gonna live on.

I'm having a balloon fetish. I've finally mastered how to blow balloons yesterday. A bit later, but yeah. And I can blow two at the same time. They're making my day. Well, not as much as someone could. And only he could. I miss him, I do, but there's nothing I can do. It's always the time you need the person most you notice how dumb you are. I'm at the down-est down now. I don't know how I'm gonna make it through.

PS. Sometimes I wish I could have my memory wiped clean. Then at least it won't be so painful. I'll forget him, I'll forget how bad my wrist is causing my playing to suck. Everything, gone.

It hurts,
Monday, July 19, 2010 // 10:19 PM

No, I'm just intending to fail every single dumb subject I'm taking now and I'm desperately lack of sleep. I'm not gonna touch my homework, I don't care about what I've planned just now, just damn it. Essay with Ms describing myself. I'm gonna die. I don't know how to do. Limited vocabulary SUCKS. I haven't got an idea on how to do SS either, so I'm just gonna study chemistry later.

Life sucks, he confuses the fuck out of me, and there's nothing I can do. I'm too helplessly in love. I didn't even noticed that I've actually played out all my cards this time round. Too stupid? Maybe. But the part where I don't even notice it is purely dumb. I don't know, after all those Melissa-is-dumb talks with my friends, I don't really care whether I am dumb anymore. I'm immune to it. Ahwell, too bad for me. I'm in no mood to study for my chemistry. Damn it. Tomorrow morning then, since I haven't got any hope in passing.

PS. I don't care what they think. I love you.

Spell love,
Thursday, July 15, 2010 // 10:24 PM

No, I shouldn't say I love anyone. I'm too consumed by everything else. Everything bad, hate, tears, and everything bad. Sometimes, I wonder why I always do things I never expect myself doing. Why sometimes I don't even care about what others think about what I say or do. I just can't be bothered anymore, it seems for it isn't anger or disgustedness that caused the irrational actions. I'm just mad, crazy or whatever. It's just some short reflection post about my sanity. No, I don't have my sanity anymore. Too bad. FML.

PS. You're driving me mad.

Red-nose reindeer,
Wednesday, July 14, 2010 // 10:45 PM

Life just can't get any worse sometimes. Yeah, there're two tests tomorrow, Biology and E Math. I haven't study for both, not intending to either, damn my attitude. I know. I don't know what's wrong with me. Hormones went mad or something. Chinese test was the worst one in my whole secondary school education, 50 questions, I left 22 blank. I'm really angry with myself for that attitude. I don't know how to get back to how I was before.

Lessons were really boring. Maybe I'm just too bloody sleepy today. Chemistry was fun fun, got really high and stuff playing with Andre and talking to Yan Bing. I'm not gonna pass my Acids and Bases test for sure. I can't even freaking do chemical equations. Everything was okay besides chinese and chemistry. English was boring, but bearable, Miss Lee finally came back after a long long time. Biology was pretty fun, did practical again. Reducing sugars test. Good thing I didn't screw up, burn my hair, make my beaker explode or anything. That's good, given my luck.

Mummy bought wrist supports for me. 'Supports' because I injured both of my wrist. It suck. It obstructs me playing the piano. Slow passages are loud and tensed. Bass parts sound horribly bangy and loud. Right hand melodies are badly played and sounds disgusting because tension isn't released, worst of all, it's impossible for me to play fast-running semi-quavers because my wrist isn't that flexible and can't rotate. It all equates to my playing sounding like shit. Counterpain plus wrist supports should do the job, but I'll look as if I fell off the stairs tomorrow. I can't even write properly because of my injured right wrist. My handwriting = shit. Oh, tomorrow. Free forced-to-watch live porn again. FML. I'm no lesbian, not discriminating against homosexuals, but just that I'm not interested in her boobs. I'm more interested in guys. But then again, guy or girl, it shouldn't be shown in school, in front of a class.

PS. I don't know, but I just can't let you go, no matter what.

I wanna wanna turn around and walk away.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010 // 11:11 PM

I wanna be a red-nose deer. I'd be with santa, I'd be happy in North Pole, great place to escape reality. I'll be able to spread love by carrying Santa's Sleigh, helping him distributing presents. I really don't mind being Rudolph again, being laughed at because of my red-nose (thanks to sinus), 'cause at least back then I was happy. Back then, I took only a month to get over someone who ditched after dating me for more than a year. I don't know how I do it. I don't know how to be happy again, how to spread the happiness, like the little sunflower that shines in everyone's eyes. I've forgotten how to be everyone's jolly angel. Yeah, damn that fact. I desperately need to be happy, become happy.

Oh forget that damned fact shouldn't I? Yeah, I should. It's just a matter of whether I can or cannot. The answer is obviously the latter, needless to say. Oh, never mind. Today was bad. I was sleepy the whole freaking day, but I don't know why. Shouldn't be the lack of sleep, I slept early last night. Or earlier than usual. It's really funny. I'm tired, I really am, but I don't wanna be lying on my bed, waiting to fall asleep, and occupying my mind with things I've been overthinking time and again. Just get that straight Melsa, he don't love you, he doesn't love you, most prolly never did, never will. Everything was just a lie, nothing happened. It was fake. All fake, he tells it to everyone indirectly. Get over him already won't you? I wish I could. I'm trying really really hard, study, music, piano, singing, solos, writing, everything. I'm just not strong enough. I'm disgustingly useless. Too bad for me then. Doesn't really matter.

PS. Don't say you love me, don't even, Don't say you love me, you're leaving.

'Cause there's nothing surgery can do when I break you heart in two.
Monday, July 12, 2010 // 9:05 PM

It has always been a lie. A big fat lie from the start. I was the only idiot who thought it was true. I don't know why, I still believe in what I did. I can't believe you're that mean, that you're that much of an asshole, that all these had been fake. I can't. I really can't. I tried, I really did. I've tried being strong, tried to let go, tried to hate you. None of it worked. My heart's broken into two, needless to say, nothing can repair it. I still have that glimmer of hope. Whether it's false or not? Let's hope for the better.

PS. Until you tell me yourself, it comes out of your mouth, I will not believe you've done that. I won't. Whether because I still love you or not, it doesn't matter. But to do that, you're barely even human. I believe in you.

Pathetic, much.
Thursday, July 8, 2010 // 9:38 PM

Countdown begins today. I don't know what to say. I shall just count, then. Today was really tiring for me. I can actually feel my body failing me, totally. Trips to toilet to puke, what else? I can't even stay awake in class. I don't even feel like talking. I haven't got any energy at all.

Well, lessons were a bore. Didn't do homework as usual, it's just that I can't be bothered to copy anymore. Did Biology during lesson time, because I don't know how to do. Classes dragged a long long time, because my mind was drifting. I don't get chemistry. FML. Yeah, F it. I can't get my mind off somethings, at least I didn't laugh to myself today. Too tired for that. LOL.

Went to Hougang Mall with Bea after school to eat Subway. I have Subway cravings a lot recently. That's bad, 'cause healthier or not, it's still fastfood, and I'm really broke already. No more fastfood. Or at least until I slim down a lot. Like I have that chance. Everything's a joke now. *SMILES*

PS. You made my life worthwhile.

Somewhere over the rainbow,
Wednesday, July 7, 2010 // 9:50 PM

We spend half our childhood wanting to be somewhere else, except where we are, but when we grow old, here is where we wanna be. We never learn to appreciate what we have in the surrounding until finally, when we're gonna lose it right? I never felt like I belong here, but now that I'm leaving, I can't let go. I'll never learn.

I don't know why I'm having fever, I'm so tired. Maybe because tomorrow's already 8 July, I can leave without breaking promises. Ian, don't complain. It'll be perfectly natural. All Natural. Now, I'm just gonna rest, damn the homework. I can't think. I'm afraid to remember. I'm having fever. GOODBYE WORLD.

I only need your presence baby,
Tuesday, July 6, 2010 // 10:29 PM

Today sucked to the max. I ran 2.4 alone with some sec 4s from Karen's class. I actually passed. Can you imagine that? First time I've ever finished running 2.4. I passed. Not with brilliant timing, but still passed. 17.55 minutes. Acceptable? Think so. I didn't faint, by miracle.

Today was a really boring day. Fish was sick, and I was all alone in english, so it does. SUCK. Math was g=okay. Did the quiz, found it okay. Nobody actually bothered about the no-discussion rule. Everyone was talking. It's funny. Social Studies really sucked, because I don't know a word Mrs Tan is talking about. Missed both lessons last week. So yeah, missed out loads loads. I don't feel like doing my homework which sucks.

It may seem like a normal day today, but I was upside down inside. Don't need to ask. Well, life is stupid. I don't know why half the things are happening. I'm mad, losing myself. I promised myself not to, but I can't help it. Failure? YEAH, I am one. Disgusted by myself a lot.

Seeing you get into trouble breaks it again. It matters to you. I know it does. You don't want to disappoint them. It upsets you. And to me, seeing you upset is as painful as getting banged down by a car. To exchange your happiness, I don't mind giving up anything I have. I don't know why you did that when you see me. You're the one who wanted to be friends, but now? It seems like we're afraid of each other. Till now, six months, I still love you. I still haven't let go. Talk to me, will you? Please? At least let me know what you're thinking, how you're feeling about this. It's really painful for me, maybe for you too. If you ever read this, I know you won't. But I just hope, you'll tell me soon. Last year, you're my Christmas wish, the best present I can ever receive. I wish for the same thing for my birthday. I love you.

Stardust,
Monday, July 5, 2010 // 10:05 PM

Sometimes, I wish I was a star high above, without worries, watching mortals live their lives, no matter happy, sad or angry. Because no matter what, I'd be watching for above, happily shining above all others. I won't have a single thing to worry about at all. I won't have homework, I won't need to worry about eating or drinking, I wouldn't need to worry about not being pretty or thin enough. I could be me.

It isn't everyday I cry. It isn't everyday I give up. I've tried. I've tried my best. I tried really hard, but I'm just so weak. I can't do it. I've done everything. For you, I've already done everything within my means. You'd be happier, without me, I acted like I'm a stranger, I tried to forget you, I tried to ignore your coolness, I tried to act like I'm okay, I've forgotten how to cry, I tried to get over you. But I really can't. I can't. I've done everything I can. I'm really sorry, I can't be what you want me to be. I'm really sorry I can't do what you want me to do. I'm sorry I'm too weak.

No, you didn't ignore my effort of trying to keep in touch. You have never cared nor bothered. I don't blame you. It's just because I've never meant anything to anyone. I'm always that unimportant disposable girl everyone uses. I can't blame anyone for that can I? Not when everyone is doing it. I never get anything right. It's not about low self-esteem. I haven't got any self-esteem at all. I don't even dare to stare into my reflection on the mirror for too long, I can't even face myself, I too ashamed and embarrassed to. Everyone around me is tall, slim and pretty. I can't even look at myself, without pitying myself. It's disgusting. Everyone's so much more worthy and good. They don't understand. There isn't anyone I can talk to, because I feel so disgusted by myself, so ashamed of myself. I'm so embarrassed by myself. It's not anyone's fault but mine. Oh why, why can't I just die now? When can it all stop?

Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know?
Wednesday, June 30, 2010 // 11:12 PM

Life sucks to the max. I've fell ill and it's only the third day of school today. I didn't go to school yesterday. Went home after band practice on Monday, vomiting, running a fever and went to sleep super early. Mummy was supposed to wake me up at 10 and apparently she didn't. I must really look damn sick. So nobody woke me up on Tuesday either. I slept till 10 and continued to sleep after lunch. I haven't felt so pig-ish for a long long time. Well, I suppose that's falling sick isn't it? Today feels the same. The bad headaches are back, at least. Maybe it's the migraines.

Today, went to school a bloody 0600. I woke up at 0530. It was really bad because I didn't sleep much last night, pig-ed too much during the day and can't sleep at night. Bleeding stupid, but yeah. Almost vomited after the breakfast, weird because I don't know why my tummy went mad since Sunday. It's still bad, I didn't eat much of lunch and didn't eat the sandwiches band provided for us. Bloated to the max. I don't even know why. I didn't eat a lot either. I'd been a naughty girl. I drank milk tea which caused me locked up in the toilet for an hour at least and running in and out of it. Finished some work, then went to hunt for black socks. I've only managed to find one bloody pair. I'm dead. I'm supposed to wear for Friday and Saturday. I'm washing them every night. I used to have three pairs. Die. I hope my body can withstand everything without dying off in the middle. Yeah, I haven't been fainting during band practice. I'm not telling you why. I'm clever. That's why. Heh.

This suck, the first day, it already happened. Even a teacher who barely knew what happened asked me why you treated me that way. Why you seem to hate me so much. I didn't know how to answer. I don't know what I've done wrong. I've always thought it was me being over-sensitive, but things are proving otherwise. Even someone, a stranger asked why. Even she noticed. If I've done something wrong, tell me. I'd apologise. Do you even know how painful this is for me? Don't pretend that you don't know me, 'cause that's the worst thing you can do. You don't know how much it's ripping me apart. My heart is already shattered into tiny pieces, are you only satisfied if they're torn into dust? Please. Talk to me. It's killing me.

PS. I wanna wake up from this dream. I wanna have my memory erased. It's too painful for me to live with. If it'll make you happier, I'd gladly disappear.

FML,
Sunday, June 27, 2010 // 10:30 PM

Oh yeah, FUCKMYLIFE. Life sucks, I'm still rushing out all my homework. My math is in a mess, all my heymath stuff's undone. Good thing deadline's not over yet. I'm so gonna die. Lost my math quizzes. I'm gonna die at this rate. I'm gonna rush out my e-math for tomorrow. I'm gonna commit suicide soon.

No, I'm gonna calm down. There's gonna be band tomorrow, I don't wanna faint, so no panicking. I'll hate semester 2, because we have 5 periods of chinese on Monday, I'm gonna die. I'll die. I hate school, as always, but more, NOW. The only bearable thing is Biology now. I'm gonna kill myself soon, or the stress's gonna kill me soon enough when school starts.

I'm thinking of all the rubbish now, I wanna die. Why can't my fucking brain function a little better for an hour or two. I wanna kill myself right this second. FML. I don't know how I'm gonna survive school, seriously. If you wanna know the answer, frankly, it sucks to have your heart dead and you yourself being alive. I wonder how retarded I look to anyone who's seen me doing those things for the past almost-6 months. I'm gonna look stupid dumb and retarded again. I.WANT.TO.DIE.RIGHT.THIS.SECOND.

Yes, you. Why can't you just say it out loud?
Friday, June 25, 2010 // 11:10 PM

''He lied to you a thousand times. He hurt you twice as much as that and you're gonna tell me you still love me? For what? Breaking your heart?''

Yes, I'm gonna tell you I still love him. And no, not for breaking your heart. As long as I love him, it don't matter if he breaks my heart? GET IT? I don't care if he breaks my heart. Yes, it is shattered into a thousand pieces already, I don't care if I'm being dumb, stupid or whatever. I'm just being me. I haven't got that much time left. Might as well lose myself right now. July. Whatever bye world.

Sometimes I dream,
Wednesday, June 23, 2010 // 10:06 PM

I'm checking into rehab, 'cause everything we had didn't mean a thing to you.'

Yeah, I should go to rehab. Get rid of my addiction. There're loads I should do, besides wasting my time. I'm really distracted today during band practice today, I don't know why. I seem to be daydreaming. But the weird thing is that my mind is blank. It's just drifting about everywhere. Yeah, the living dead. I don't know long will it be hibernating, but let's hope I'll wake up soon enough.

I almost fainted today. Dizzy spells, but nope. Didn't drop dead on the floor fainting. I squad down like an idiot when I was doing marching. I did look dumb and retarded, but at least I didn't faint, so Jonathan shouldn't say no to me practicing the formation with the band next band practice. Well, deal's off if I faint, I know. I hope I won't. It doesn't feel nice you know, I always return home with bruises on my shoulder, back and things like that. I really suck.

PS. I wish, I really wish... But it'll never come true. ILYVM. IMY.

Get out of my way, BITCH.
Sunday, June 20, 2010 // 9:53 PM

Yeah, I'm really pissed. Well, nope. It's not a bit good for my health. I've never been so disgusted in my life before. 'Oh, I like your dress. WHOO... Polka dots leh.' Get out of my face, bimbo. Well, I didn't know you like my dress until now after I've owned it for some 3 years, or at least about 2.5 years. If you wanna bootlick people, you might wanna pay a little tiny bit more attention to that person. This is an epic fail. DUMBASS. Oh come on, I thought you bitches have fun badmouthing me, behind my back (literally). You people say it just behind me. So loudly like as if I'm deaf or something, then act like you love me. For what? I don't even get why you're 'praising' me so much. WOW. I'm damned impressed. If you hate me, then just hate me, I don't dive a damn because you're not even important. You're not even a part of my life. It doesn't matter what you do or what you think of me. Oh yeah, and the other one. Don't say hi to me if you wanna laugh at me in right in front after you say hi. If you don't know, I don't need your hi. You're not like Tom Fletcher or Dougie Poynter. Oh come one, you're just one disgusting person. I'M UTTERLY DISGUSTED. Bond with these people? I might as well die. I'd be disgracing myself to be seen in the same place you these people, even for a few short hours a week. EEW.

Pretense,
Saturday, June 19, 2010 // 11:54 PM

I wonder, I wonder. Today might just happen to be one of the worse days of my life. Well, their hypocrisy shouldn't have alarmed me, no I'm not alarmed. But it just shock me how sub-human they are, because if you're human, you'd never ever insult or hurt people so much, because they're just ordinary people to you and you don't even hate 'em. It only shows what kind of person you are, I give up on you people finally, even though I should have long ago. So much for convincing people to love one another, what are you even doing?

Pretend you don't love him, just pretend. Then two things will happen. He'll realize how much he misses you or you'll realize how much you don't need him I'm surprised that this isn't happening yet. Yeah, pretend. But it takes a lot to do that. To pretend that it doesn't exist in you.

Yes, it takes lotsa courage to love someone, love someone that doesn't return his/her love. I understand the how it feels to have the person who means everything to you feel makes you feel like you're nothing. It does suck, and sometimes I wonder how stupid it will seem to him - how I sit here with my eyes never leaving the screen of the phone waiting for his new text or how when I miss him I read the things he told me months and months ago. I really wonder what he'll say when he knew he meant so much to me. Well, no point wondering. I'd never know. I'd never find out. HAHA. Pathetic. It just suck all the happiness and energy out of me. I'm tired. Really tired of how pathetic I am, still standing on the same spot after more than 5 months. Never mind. Forget it. I'm always like that anyway. It won't be me if I'm living my happily-ever-after now. HEH.

I wish I could watch a movie or listen to a song without thinking of you. Walking through a bookstore has become a chore because each title, each cover, each beautiful word sends images of you into my mind. I can't even close my eyes without you being there, but imagining you just isn't enough. I want you to be by side so that each time I'm reminded of you, I can look over my shoulder and be reminded all over again. Oh well, just oh well. It's never happening, so start fantasizing.

If you lose me then you know, you're just a bit too slow.
Friday, June 18, 2010 // 11:02 PM

Things I hate about you

I hate those clothes you wear,
'cause it wears off your figure.
I hate those times you swear,
'cause it brings out the you that makes me tear.
I hate the way you walk,
'cause it makes you look like you're gonna fall.
I hate to hear you say those untrue truths,
'cause I'll never get to know the truth,
it wears me down to feel cheated,
it makes me cry,
but it didn't matter.
I love you so, those times were great.

I hate the way you dazzle me,
'cause I stare at you dreamily, all can see.
I hate the way you drag me running in a mall,
'cause your hand holding mine flushes my cheek,
it sends my heart thudding.
I hate the way you say those three words,
'cause you make it sound like it didn't matter,
but little did you know, more than the world it mattered.
I hate the way you dote on me,
'cause I rely on you so much,
it's hard for me to separate from you.
I hate the way you protect me,
'cause it takes away my freedom,
it makes you upset with me.
I hate the way you lie to me,
'cause it made me cry every single night,
shattering into pieces.
I hate why you never talk to me again and avoid me,
'cause it makes me think I'd never mattered,
everything was a fantasy.
But what I hate most,
is of all these things I hate about you,
I was never even close to hating you.

Shut up bitch, think whatever you want, I DON'T CARE.
Thursday, June 17, 2010 // 9:17 PM

It's really stupid. It's really dumb, if you don't believe me, then forget it. How difficult is that? Don't understand, then even easier. FUCK OFF Okay, enough of my rants, now everyone knows my mood is really really bad today. To make my mood loads worse, my whole facebook news feed is overwhelmed with stupid world cup soccer stuff. Yeah, Argentina 4, Korea 1. I don't care, I really don't. I don't watch and I know. I'm pissed. It's totally unrelated to my life, LIKE HELLO? I'm not interested. PMS? I don't know. My mood is BAD. Then the worse, no rain today. Bad weather equates to bad mood.

No, no. Today was boring. I watched 3 movies, explain how bored my life is? Yeah. Lifeless life. I wanna get out of the house, so tomorrow, yeah. Getting out. For tuition. Pathetic. But whatever. At least I'll be doing something conventional. Not wasting the whole day or sorts. Watched 10 things I hate about you, Freaky Friday and Parent Trap. I'm still bored, did little reading today. I'm still reading Goblet of Fire. Okay, gotta run now. Byebyeworld.

No girl, you're not ugly. You're just special in a different way.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010 // 9:32 PM

Went out with Bea today, almost went to everywhere. No, I'm never going out if everything's not planned properly. LOL. We almost died on the streets today. I've got a blister on my toe. Went to Somerset (313), then walked all the way to Plaza Sing, then walked around the mall for a hundred times, because we were bored. We went to the very empty still City Square Mall, then back to Hougang Mall before home. Bought nothing more than 2 pens, which was pretty dumb. So no more un-planned trips to anywhere anymore, unless with future boyfriend (wait for 10 years later, it'll happen then). You won't feel bored or even feel like it's a waste of time staring at the person you love. But it's really a waste of time. LOL.

I'm gonna die tonight, I'm having killer-headaches, I don't know why. I haven't been under the sun or anything what. It's about time I fell ill anyway. Can't seem to last that long without getting ill. It's getting worse at home. I feel like sleeping, there's nothing to do at all, or at least I don't wanna do it (HOMEWORK, FTW). I'll die soon, no homework done. Doomsday soon. I wanna watch a movie, but apparently there ain't any good ones around now. That's sad lor. Haven't bought my brother's present. I have no no idea on what to buy at all. I only have a few days left. 11 days before his birthday on the 26th. Damn, what to buy? I HAVEN'T GOT AN IDEA AT ALL.

PS. I just want the truth? Is that asking too much at all?

I'm a free bitch, baby.
Monday, June 14, 2010 // 11:24 PM

Hell yeah. I'm a free bitch. I have much less off my shoulders now. hopefully, these 5 months' suffering is made worthwhile. I shan't disappoint myself. Makes me think of Freaky Friday. The part where Tess Coleman randomly says 'You're a strong, independent woman.' Makes me laugh a great deal. I should start living for my self, not living off a guy in my memories. Dwelling in memories is just not healthy. HELL NO.

Well, let's hope I'm not a free bitch for long. The freedom is too much for someone like me, who hardly has anything to do. Especially in the holidays. Well, I'll be very free for this week. Next week, band starts, I won't die at home. Well, some people will understand the 'free' I mean. Yeah, sometimes its good to be single (it's always good, since you won't get hurt that badly), there's a whole lot of things you'll miss about being attached.

Here's a list. Kaka, you know how bored I am now.

-Miss being loved (like duh)
-Miss being dote on/getting charmed/sweet talked
-Miss being hug (this is the worse)
-Miss having late night calls till very late you know, like 3,4 in the morning
-Miss having SMSes all the time
-Miss having someone who will willingly let you pester no matter what (how busy they are) when you're bored
-Miss having a shoulder to lie one
-Miss crying to someone without that person complaining
-Miss being someone's punchbag
-Miss taking care of someone unconditionally and being unconditionally loved
-Miss always being there for someone, like that someone, who'll always be there

Haha... That's about everything. Going out tomorrow with Bea, to we-don't-have-an-idea where, yet. Lunch, meeting at Hougang Mall. Think of something to eat later. So tomorrow won't be as bad as today, pigging at home like a pig, literally. Sleeping in all day. So tomorrow won't be that boring, and Wednesday's gonna be homework day, HOPEFULLY.

PS. You don't need to like someone, to love someone, but you need to love someone to like someone. xoxo

Sunday, June 13, 2010 // 3:31 PM

30 Letters.
You can either send it to them (anonymously or with your name) or keep them to yourself. On this day you write a letter to:
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 —Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
You can either send it to them (anonymously or personally) or keep them to yourself.

Yeah, I'm gonna do this. For fun? Maybe. I don't know. I just feel like doing it. Kills time too. 30 letters to write. Maybe when I die, someone will find this letters and actually find these and send it to the people I write them to. Like as if I can finish them, and have patience to find a place to hide them. HEH.

I'm gonna die really soon, I'm dying of boredom. I'm too disgusted with everything, mind you, that includes myself. I'm tired of living life, I'm sick of escaping reality when reality gets screwed (no, it's screwed already). So yeah, what's the point of life then? No fun, no happiness, nothing. Happiness is only real when it's shared. Life is meaningless and empty when you're not happy. Pathetic enough, I haven't got anything to share, or anyone to share anything with. Too bad. Haha... Might as well except it, better than dwelling in it with self-pity. Nobody will ever sympathize with you anyway. Heh. Since when am I so positive? It's good for a change though. I hate my hairstyle. Looks like shit, seriously. My fringe is too too too too freaking long. My slant is gone. I looks like some retarded side-parting fringe. It doesn't suit me. Not that it's retarded on someone else's head or it's ugly, but it just look ugly growing out on my head, that's it. I don't wanna waste money to just trim my fringe. I can't trim my hair yet, because I won't be able to tie it if I did. I wanna keep long hair, and no cutting it super short too. It's sucky. I hope my hair grows faster. I'm gonna buy extensions soon. SAVE UP. This is like everything I have to say, I'm bored, really bored and I don't wish to daydream about unconventional stuffs. BYEBYEWORLD.