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buildings with a hundred floors,
spinning 'round revolving doors.
baby i don't know where they'll take me.

entries about chat links



breakaway
a short profile perhaps ?
a music player or hit counter ?
Stardust,
Monday, July 5, 2010 // 10:05 PM

Sometimes, I wish I was a star high above, without worries, watching mortals live their lives, no matter happy, sad or angry. Because no matter what, I'd be watching for above, happily shining above all others. I won't have a single thing to worry about at all. I won't have homework, I won't need to worry about eating or drinking, I wouldn't need to worry about not being pretty or thin enough. I could be me.

It isn't everyday I cry. It isn't everyday I give up. I've tried. I've tried my best. I tried really hard, but I'm just so weak. I can't do it. I've done everything. For you, I've already done everything within my means. You'd be happier, without me, I acted like I'm a stranger, I tried to forget you, I tried to ignore your coolness, I tried to act like I'm okay, I've forgotten how to cry, I tried to get over you. But I really can't. I can't. I've done everything I can. I'm really sorry, I can't be what you want me to be. I'm really sorry I can't do what you want me to do. I'm sorry I'm too weak.

No, you didn't ignore my effort of trying to keep in touch. You have never cared nor bothered. I don't blame you. It's just because I've never meant anything to anyone. I'm always that unimportant disposable girl everyone uses. I can't blame anyone for that can I? Not when everyone is doing it. I never get anything right. It's not about low self-esteem. I haven't got any self-esteem at all. I don't even dare to stare into my reflection on the mirror for too long, I can't even face myself, I too ashamed and embarrassed to. Everyone around me is tall, slim and pretty. I can't even look at myself, without pitying myself. It's disgusting. Everyone's so much more worthy and good. They don't understand. There isn't anyone I can talk to, because I feel so disgusted by myself, so ashamed of myself. I'm so embarrassed by myself. It's not anyone's fault but mine. Oh why, why can't I just die now? When can it all stop?