Melissa =)(=

2011-11-08T21:54:00.002+08:00

So today, some idiot came over and spoilt my mood thoroughly. Like my self-esteem isn't at basement 4 already. I'm not as stupid as to let you hurt me again. Too bad. I feel horribly sad for you. PERIOD.

3 more days.

2011-10-20T19:28:00.001+08:00

3 more days to Os. Less than a month till Os are over. I haven't got any confidence at all. I really hope I enter the course. I just hope that I can maintain the standard of my prelims, if I don't improve... Please.. -fingers crossed-

This photo best show what i am now. I'm that dark little figure that nobody can see clearly. I'm sick and tired of my life. It feels horrible. I'm losing everyone.

Life is fucked. Things always happen at the wrong time

2011-09-24T10:21:00.001+08:00

Okay, so the flu sucks. Honestly. I have 30 days left till O levels and I just wasted the whole of last night sleeping like a pig. That's not the right thing to do when you're supposed to mug like some idiot, but I can't help it. I thought I'd feel loads better today morning but I was horribly wrong. Things didn't get worse, but I didn't feel better. Nope, not at all. The headache's really bad. Enough to kill. I have loads of homework to do cos I didn't go to school yesterday. My life's so awesome. I might have to spend the whole day doing work and not study. Maybe tomorrow will be wasted on homework. I really need to study. Dot the teachers understand? We need to study in order to do our exams. Giving us homework now will just make us more reliant on the textbook for info. Sucks to be me. I hope I can at least maintain my 5 distinctions, and R5 = 14 if not do better.

Hello dead blog.

2011-09-23T15:42:00.001+08:00

Nothing much to say. I shall attempt to revive you once my Os are over. I'm really fat and ugly now. And my traits sucks. This post is so lame. Anw, a photo for memories.

2011-05-25T19:38:00.002+08:00

I so totally cannot believe I am here. Bimbotic much? YEAH. I shall try to make this place lively (for myself, at least) again. It's kinda good 'cause nobody ever visits my blog so I can write secrets here. *hushhush*

MYE's over. There's no band. I just recovered from deadly flu so I have not been studying. FYI, my results really suck. 5Cs. I should just go and commit suicide already. It's not that bad, really. That's if you consider the fact that I didn't study. AT ALL. I am guilty. I will die when I get my report slip back. HAHA. But then again, I am one of those 20 odd people who passed all. Ease my guilt. A little bit. Anyway, I've got to goooo. BYEBYE. HAHA.

Hello dead blog.

2011-05-07T16:16:00.002+08:00

Obviously nobody's reading this screwed up piece of shit anymore. I love tumblr. Really. It's where I belong. Okay, so I'm on my way to O levels in a few short months time. AHHH. How time flies. I shouldn't slack anymore, but I still am. Sadly.

Imma screw MYE this time worse than any other time. So no, don't ask me why. Cos I slacked like a pig after SYF. Hung over from leaving band. So whatever. I still have prelims and Os to NOT SCREW UP. Nothing else to say, so tata. See you again soon.

Dead, rotting blog.

2011-02-06T15:08:00.002+08:00

I'm surprised that there aren't vultures here. It's been dead since 22/12. Can you smell it? Okay, I'm laming. I'm bored, so here I ammmm. Life obviously suck. I hardly even have enough time to complete my homework. That sucks. I don't have time to study for all the class tests, and common tests are coming. SYF is coming too. At least after April, it'll be less stressful. My last SYF.

This is a damn short post. I'm leaving soon. Came here because I'm reallyreally bored and I don't feel like touching my homework or textbooks. Die blog, DIEEE. I'm damn lame. No life uh, bear with me. Test tomorrow. I know Imma fail. BYEBYEWORLD.

PS. My dyslexia is getting worse, I can't spell cosine. I spell it as socine. FML.

Bach Invention No. 1 in C

2010-12-22T22:02:00.002+08:00

It's nothing. It's just me, having a bad time. I have all my homework undone. So it suck. I haven't got any mood to do any at all. School starting, I'm getting cold feet. It doesn't matter how bad it feels like because I have to face it no matter what.

I have incessant fear. The scary thing is that I have not the faintest idea what I'm afraid of. It sucks my soul out of me. How can anyone not know what they're afraid of. It's just pathetic. It goes to show others how empty I actually am.

Bach Invention No. 1 in C. The piece I struggled for almost half a year. I never liked it because it was really hard for me. I was only a grade 2 when I played that. It's about grade 4/5. I hated it. I can't be bothered to practice it. I only play it for about 5 minutes everyday. Then I woke up. If I don't try, I will never improve. I'll be a grade 2 forever. I struggled my way out about 3 months of not practicing. In a week, I manage to learn how play it. It was really slow. To others, it's just a technique practice. That's precisely why I hate it. I have problems with controlling my wrist movements. But after that 6 months, Bach Invention 1 in C meant more than a mere technique practice piece to me. It's a reminder that I should never give up. It's hard, really hard. But if I never try, I'll never know how far I can push myself, I'll never improve, never move forward at all. Now that I can't play anything at all, and feel like leaving, I find myself once again trying Bach Invention 1 in C. It sounds mortifyingly horrible. Trust me, this wrist ligament problem detonated my built-up techniques and hard work all these years. It sucks to be reminded of it every time I touch a piano. It's okay though, at least now I'm facing it. Who knows, maybe I'd be able to control my wrists better and play better than before. Let's hope so. I hope so. I really do.

Should I?

2010-12-12T15:43:00.002+08:00

I'm still considering whether I should delete this blog. It's funny how I got so angry with one effing guy for breaking my heart. It's hilarious. I can't stop laughing whenever I read my old posts from this year. It's like... Okay, I didn't know I'm such an idiot.

Yes, I wanna delete it because I don't wanna remember how retarded and childish I've been. All those silly things make me feel even more stupid than I already am. And... It's really tedious having to sit down and think of something to post using good english and things like that. I don't like short posts. That's one reason why I love tumblr so freaking much. I just have to sit there, in front of the computer and stone. Click reblog when I see some cool, lovely, cute quotes, photos and typographies. I'm more and more anti-social. Sooo, it means that everything private won't go on the net. It'll be safely kept in my diary. I haven't finish the last one. It's kinda pathetic. I should've finished all the pages this year. I'm not even at half. Almost, but not yet. It's lovely though, my diary. Full of colours. Maybe I just am a little too crazy about the black paper inside. -.- Anyways, I shall be a little bit more camwhore-ish. I think wordy posts are really boring. And I don't like uploading to tumblr at all, so I'll porrly post photos here. I don't have beaucoup bucks to spend on printing photos, pasting them in my diary. I'll photo spam here IF I have the time. LOL. I don't thing I'll have that much time on the net next year. I've to study, there'll be loads of homework to be done and band practice till after indoor SYF. Ahwell, I DO want to do well. Too bad. Maybe, there'll be higher chances if my laptop arrives next year. After May, fastest. ARGGH. =) I hope this blog will not dissipate so soon.

Love,

Mels.

How's life?

2010-12-06T09:58:00.002+08:00

Life has been as it always is, sucky. But from how my attitude for it has changed, I guess it's fine. No matter how bad life is, it has all got to do with up there. In your mind. It's already December. Less than a month more school starts, then I'd be mugging for Os already. Kinda suck? YEAH. I hope I don't do that badly. Well, that depends on how hard I'm gonna work next year, don't it? I can foresee myself having no life at all, at home with piles of books.

Things aren't really getting better. I think I'm getting stupider. My ligaments' condition is obviously deteriorating. Sometimes I wonder why I can still be so jolly, laughing and smiling. I'm hell loads fatter. I should exercise more. No link... Anyways, since band has stood down, I'll try my best to study and do my homework, no promises though. I've got a feeling I won't finish all. A few, MAYBE. Just maybe.

This blog is reallyreally dead. I'm sorry I'm a bitch. I left blogger for tumblr. HAHA. Much more fun. This will be left here to dissipate into nothingness. Only, that can never happen, since this is virtual, these all are non-existent. What's left to be gone?

Tired swollen eyes,

2010-11-21T20:35:00.003+08:00

As the title suggests, you all should be able to tell what I've been doing for the past not-so-good few days. It doesn't matter. Nobody cares anyway. I don't too. HAHA. That's kinda pathetic, but never mind. I'm not gorging myself down with food or starving myself, which is very weird. It's the holidays for goodness sake. I don't feel hungry. Chocolates don't make me salivate. I'm never hungry, because I eat rubbish food that aren't appetizing. Rubbish food, not fastfood. It just mean they taste rubbish-like. The only normal thing I still eat is Subway. That is something I definitely can't live without. I'm going to Starbucks soon, for good quality coffee. Actually, I want the whipped cream. I have no idea why I love whipped cream so much. Maybe it's the fact that it's freaking fattening.

My blog is really really dead and rotting. Even when I'm trying to post (like now) I can't stop checking my tumblr. I have 11 followers. Yeah, that's kinda pathetic, others have hundreds. It's been months I have a tumblr already. Well, not everybody can be good at it I guess. It's just too bad I'm not good at anything besides being a klutz. Imma do something more productive like get out of the house and exercise because I'm fat. It's really ironic how I love whipped cream, the most fattening thing ever. I'm already very fat and I'm allergic to milk. It's just weird. Speaking of getting out of my house, there's really nothing to do. Since I'm single and totally friendless, there is really no need to go for christmas shopping. It doesn't have masochism in it. Yes, it's painful to remind myself how damn lonely I am, but I don't feel the pleasure in that pain. There's absolutely no need to but anything for anyone, since I have no friends, but it's just weird to not spend in the holiday season. Maybe buying christmas presents just give me a reason to splurge and spend unnecessarily. I have nothing to buy myself too, since my closet is already filled with a lot of new clothes I grabbed from the end season sales. That's just BORING. It's not something new though, I have always had a boring life. And I've always been boring anyway. I'll just find something to do, besides my homework, of course. I'll most prolly only do my tuition homework. Yeah, I'm a SLACKER.

Frivolous,

2010-11-17T11:52:00.003+08:00

So, life still goes on regardless whether you hate the fact or not. You're reluctant, but time continue slipping, the clock keeps on ticking and the seconds goes by. Complain all you want, there's nothing you can do about it.

I'm sitting here wasting time, listening to music doing nothing but typing. I haven't got anything useful to do, besides my tuition homework which I absolutely don't want to do. Does it even makes sense? Oh, forget it. I'm just a lazy pig who doesn't wish to do anything. I have a lot of differentiation homework to do. Not like it's super hard, but it's A-math. Nobody would want to do it unless there's a screw loose up there. You get what I mean. I'll still have to do it later because there's band tomorrow, and Friday meaning I won't have any time besides today to do already.

I'm going to forget whatever I should forget, him and everything else that's happened between us. It's like it had never existed, well that's the truth. Most of it is just me living in denial, I guess. Not now, but then. All methods had failed. I almost did succeed. That makes everything feels worse. I got slapped by reality in September after CT2. My grade are dropping and everything. I've got to do something. Buried myself in books and I thought I've let go. For months, it's been gone, until that day it all came back. I don't know what else to do. I've tried to hate, to use extreme weird methods, till the numbness, till I did almost succeed. The stress is never ending. Worse than failing exams, it is. I failed so many times. It gets worse each time. Maybe it's just me. No matter what you do, I can never be angry at you or hate you. I knew it all along, but I still tried to. Maybe that made it worse. IDK.

"But most of all, I hate the fact that I don't hate you, not even a little bit, not at all."

-10 things I hate about you, 1999.

Eating disorders,

2010-11-10T22:34:00.002+08:00

At this rate I'm going, I'd die even if I don't commit suicide. The stress and everything. I feel like I'm anorexic. I've lost about 2 kg because I constantly tell myself that I'm fat and actually feel full all the time causing me to eat less. Does that count? Today, I've done badly for my exam. I'm nothing but pathetic. I'm super upset. Now, I wanna do nothing but eat and eat and EAT. I guess I'd become bulimic if that happens. I don't know why I have such extreme de-stressing methods. At least I'm not doing 'that' anymore. Who knows? Maybe I'd renege the agreement I had with myself again. Hopefully not. Things will get better only if the bitch named life stops being one. That's impossible. HAHA.

I remember when nothing stood in our way, when the world's spinning for us. Today, you were so very close. You can't imagine that rash impulse within me that wants to run straight to you and discuss how impossible the paper was. You can't even imagine how much I wanted you to hug me when I knew I wasn't gonna do well and cried. Maybe you didn't even see me in front of you. I keep trying to hate you. I'm trying to enrage myself whenever you're in front of me, but I can't. I'm only angry with myself for failing time and again when you re-enter my line of vision. I try to lie to myself, letting my brain be a renegade to all my other body parts. I try to hide the fact that my heart is still beating for you. Every time I see your face, I fail. All the hard work, all gone. My suppressed feelings made known again. I guess it doesn't matter at all. Not to you, at least. But then again, if it don't matter to you, it's meaningless to me too. I should be forgotten by now. It's like you've never had known me, and I never had enter your life. Only I am so stupid to keep hanging on, holding on to it. I just can't stop loving you. I'm sorry I loved you. I'm even more sorry I love you.

Change,

2010-10-31T21:24:00.003+08:00

It's the only constant thing in our pathetic human lives, that well know. TOOBAD. This time for me, it's by choice. I've gotta feeling I'm gonna fail badly because change takes place unknowingly (always). Who knows what's gonna happen if it's taking place intentionally? I have more than enough reasons why I should, so don't tell me I shouldn't. I've had enough of a fucked-up life already. It's time for me to take control of my own and take care of my heart. I'm gonna be a bitch, if it's what it takes. Because at this point of time, nothing in this world matters anymore.

People marching to the drums, everybody's having fun to the sound of love,

2010-10-16T13:28:00.002+08:00

Yet, I'm sitting here thinking about how much my life suck reminiscing about how my existence never ever mattered to anyone. HEH.

No lah, I'm fine. I'm just being dumb. Exams are over. I still can't believe it's over sooo freaking fast. I still have that Imma fail everything thingy going in my hear. I'm losing my sleep. It's horribly terrible. I'm half-sick. That makes everything worse.

I'm changing a lot. I'm not even going out. I hate going out. Sometimes I really don't wanna go to school. Heck everything. I just don't wanna step out of the house. Because I'm mad. Great explanation right? I just wanna be alone nowadays. I can't stand company. I'm almost dead around people, even alone. Somehow that voice inside is trying to shout louder and louder. Sometimes it seem like it's almost impossible to shut it up. Kill it, I tell myself. I find myself segregating myself from the others more. I find myself blasting music more often. I wish I could get over this pathetic thoughts.

2010-10-12T22:15:00.002+08:00

I should be shot dead this instant, I mean it. How can I not be motivated to study for my favourite subject? I can't stop mugging hard for chemistry, but what about biology? I haven't even touched it. Maybe I really have become lazy. Why, why? Sometimes I just wanna let go and go. I don't know why things have been getting back like a few months ago. That voice inside have been shouting louder than usual, nothings drowns it. There're reasons why I choose to blast music all the time, watch drama instead of sleeping. I can't stand the silence, not anymore. I wonder when will all this stop. When I'll really move on. I'm tired. I wanna give up right now.

PS. How's my deadeadeadead blog?

Fat,

2010-09-24T23:03:00.002+08:00

Oh, look at the title. It makes me laugh. There's nothing about the weight to grumble. I'm satisfied with what I have right now, pretty much lah. I still need to lose 1.5 inches, but I'm okay with my weight now. I used to be, fatter. So nowadays, people in my class calls me Winnie the Pooh. This whole thing was started by Joshua, I don't know why I look like one to him, but that's how it started. One fine day called yesterday it started all over again. He made me pose as the pooh printed on my pencil case. I stupidly asked others whether I looked like it. And now, I'm pooh all over again. I don't like being called pooh because pooh is fat. It makes me feel inferior. It's just me being childish. Haha. I'm bored and lifeless. All thanks to studying and lugging for EOYs. I wanna die. LALALALA. Geog class tomorrow. Boring.

Disappointed,

2010-09-18T13:59:00.003+08:00

Yeah, I am. By myself. I don't know why I can't do chinese. And why my chinese results suck so much nowadays. I feel like dropping out of school sometimes. I am trying. I'm studying harder, but it seem like there isn't much effect at all. The fact that I'm slow makes it a whole lot worse. Seriously, it just suck. Dyslexia makes it worse. A whole paragraph of words just don't make sense to me no matter how many times I read it. I'm trying hard study, but I'm trying even harder to make myself not give up. How not to give up when I do know I don't belong in an express class? Worse still I'm in the second best class in the level? I'm not even supposed to be in a normal school. I wish I could flap my wings and fly up high. You can do it if you try? God, I should stop listening to RHYTHM OF LIFE. It's making me go mad. Since when I love to try. I should just give up and die. 自甘堕落 all I want.

PS. I hope I can breakdown soon. So that I can be sent away to IMH and not study, face all these shits and be suicidal, because that alone is already suicide.

2010-09-16T20:35:00.002+08:00

Hearts melt on lemon drops. The citrus acid was too strong. When you squeezed it onto my wound. The pain was unbearable. That's how ~~love~~ life destroys a person. LOL. That's just crap.

Life really suck? I don't know. At least I've got a lot to do now. Homework and examinations are always on my mind. Mugging is number one now. BUT, whether I mug and study in the end, it's another thing all together. At least I won't abandon people to study. ~~and yet end up slacking and not studying at all~~ I've got a lot on my mind now. My brain is malfunctioning. I'm not really complaining. Oh, and forgive me for my constant vehement criticism. I'm sorry. Thinking about studying and failing my examinations has masochism in it, yes. It's getting mundane day by day, my life. Thinking too much is never healthy. Then again, more time studying means less time for resting and myself. This blog is rotting already. I can see maggots. My tumblr is still alive. Tumblr is my guilty pleasure. I'm addicted to it. It makes my life feel a little better. I really hope I'd do better this time round. This year had been destroyed since January ~~(that's just too bad for me)~~, I've been underperforming ever since, so yeah. I hope this year would end a bit better than the start, and middle. At least get 3 As, that's my target for EOYs. I don't mind 3 A2s, but at least 3 As please? I hope so. I need to buck up on my math and sciences. Biology especially. I should aim an A for it. It's one of the few subjects that I can do. I hope I can get a B3 for my chemistry though, I don't like the F9 I got for CT2. No particular reason. It just suck to fail anything. It's a miracle if I even hit C5 for english, so I don't count on it. HAHA. I give up. Imma do badly for combined humanities too. I can feel it. But for my conscience's sake, I'll still try my best. Studying starts tomorrow. I hope I can really score as well as planned, 3 As. I've never started revising so early before. In the meantime, I hope I'll get well soon. Having bad wrists ain't doing me any good, especially when I need to write fast. Ahwell, pray.

PS. I'll be laughing at you soon, baby. So much so for pushing me out for studying. Sometimes I can't make up my mind about wanting to see you fall badly. I just hope I won't feel sad for you about it because you deserve it, reaping what you sow. No study = fail. Simple. ~~I'd remember how cheap talk is, baby.~~ In a few months time. Oh, maybe you don't give a damn. Disappointing your parents was another beautiful lie of yours.

PS. I wonder why sometimes we want someone we'd never met/knew before so much. Life is full of wonders. ♡

Don't ask,

2010-09-03T22:05:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I just wanna go. I just wanna forget every single thing that have happened. Good and bad. I've had enough. The strength to go on is not something I possess. Fatigue is not able to even express the tiredness of life that I'm experiencing. I just wanna let go of everything I'm holding on, because it means nothing now. Nothing at all. All that I've worked hard for, all that I use to have, all gone.

I used to have As, now I only have Bs and below. I used to be able to play the piano, not anymore. I used to not give up no matter what, but that strength is gone. I wanna sleep and never wake up, because maybe this is some kind of joke. I'm gonna die in my dream/nightmare then wake up tomorrow to reality that don't suck that much. I'm effing delusional. I'll send myself to IMH soon. I can't control myself. Sometimes I have the urge to jump on random people to hug them. I want to cry everything out, but the tears've run out. I stare at blank spaces, thinking of the reason for my existence. Then again, I should already be thankful. I shouldn't be where I am today. I use to be everybody's sun, but I guess I'm everyone's dark cloud now. Ooops, I've forgotten that I'm nothing to everyone. Aww. I just need a break. A real long one.

PS. Someone lend me your shoulder to lean on now. Give me a bear hug, because I need to cry in someone's arms right now.

I still want my dream to come true.

2010-08-30T22:55:00.000+08:00

No, this time, it is not some crazy little impossible dream of mine. It has never been. I used to want to be a violinist. I still want to be. A little dream, nothing special or extraordinary. It's just a me thing I guess. I always thought it was nice to play a string instrument. That dream is shattered.

From the start, I was really happy to even learn piano, thinking that having at least a little music background will help me in the future if I ever get to learn piano. Then, a few years later, playing the piano had become part of my everyday routine. My skills matured a lot after constant practice. Then it occurred to me that I may never learn any string instrument because my fingers will lose sensitivity. It's either piano or that. I chose piano because it has always been there for me. It's a part of my life now.

This year, my wrist problems really upset me. No more piano. No more music. I don't know what's left in life anymore. An empty shell. No more excitement, no more stress whenever I can't play something, no more sense of accomplishment when I do something incredible on the keys, no more venting of anger, no more emotional destress by having one night stands with christmas carols. I haven't been thinking a lot. Losing music (piano) equates to losing almost everything to me. It was an immediate notice. I wasn't mentally prepared at all. I haven't recovered from my shock yet. I think most people know that I'd rather die than lose my ability to play the piano. I did try, when I'm not supposed to. I can never believe how I sound. It's not even amateurish. It's worse that that. I can't find a word that describe how it sounds. Letting someone hear a pianist play such music is an insult to all musicians and music itself.

I guess my nonchalant attitude towards life, towards everything I have is just too much. One should cherish whatever they have, should be thankful for what him/her have because the most important thing to him/her may not be see as it is after he/she loses it. The most insignificant thing in life may become the most important/needed/wanted thing in your life once you lose it. Nothing you have is given by chance. We all should be thankful.

It's boring,

2010-08-24T22:30:00.003+08:00

I guess this time, reality really hit me hard. I feel like as if I'm slapped in the face, someone screaming at me saying ' Wake up, stop slacking and being complacent. Look what's become of you.' That is really a bad experience. I never want to try that again. I'm going to work hard. I hope I can, I hope I won't be lazy.

Chemistry retest today. I made a few really stupid careless mistakes that made me wanna kill myself because it's really DUMB. I may not get an A for it, but I think passing isn't hard. For once, I really understand chemistry thoroughly. The difference between putting effort in studying and not putting effort at all I guess. I'm slacking now, which is bad. I can't do it. I'm really tired today. There's a chinese idiom test tomorrow.

Hands are like shit. Pain to the max, plus the wrist splints make me look like a retard, everyone can't stop staring. I feel stupid too. I can't carry my bag properly, as in lift it up. I can't hold things properly, can't write properly also. I can't imagine how funny I look to a lot of people. I can't open my bottle. It's funny how life can be. I use to take care of fish, now she's to take care of me. Ahwell. Life.

No, I'm sure this time.

2010-08-17T17:41:00.002+08:00

Well, my results really suck. I have a 5, 6 and 7. Hopefully no 8s. I'll really commit suicide if that happens. For once I'm grateful that PW and class tests are taken into account. My results are the worst I've ever had. It's really a wake-up call for me. I'm never ever, I repeat, never ever gonna do so badly anymore.

No more copying of homework. I'll try to complete all my homework on time, and I'll mug like hell during examination period (CCA stand down period). No more last minute work. EOY, I hope I don't fail you as badly.

Guitar hero,

2010-08-15T19:47:00.000+08:00

Life's still great as life is, no need to elaborate on that point. It suck to think about how badly I've done, but the week ahead is for me to face. I'm gonna try do all my homework as promised (to myself). A math is a must-do. Binomial Theorem seem manageable, but I have still queries about that chapter. I'm not gonna fail my maths, because I'll commit suicide if I did. Better buck up, or just waste a year redoing my 'O' levels in 2013.

Well, loads of things planned in the near future. I'm gonna train my vocals, heck care the strain. My voice is like shit. Goes super sharp (sometimes more than an octave sharper) when I sing. It's super irritating. I can't stand it. Then, I'll go practice my E-flat clarinet pitching, 'cause I suck. Hopefully my wrists don't die in the process of doing it. Homeworks are to be done, or completed. At least half of them, no more last minute studying, and there goes my weekends. It's hard to think of. I'm gonna cut down time on facebook, since it kills all my free time. Blogging and tumblring will be less too. That suck, yeah. To the max. I'm gonna chiong piano too. My chromatics are in a shit mess thanks to my wrists too. Ahwell, no more no more free time. Life's about to suck more. HAHA. But in slightly more than a year's time it's gonna be worth it. I'm not gonna waste my life away anymore.

PS. I like guys who play the guitar. And Desiree thinks that's ridiculous. I think 'He's hot, but he freaking have braces.' is so much weirder. Like as if it makes a guy un-hot to have braces. AHWELL, personal preferences.

Tired, tried.

2010-08-13T23:05:00.002+08:00

Common Tests are finally over. Am I relieved? Not really. I flunked pretty much everything, and for once it's real. I know I won't do well. This year, I've been really lazy, and I really don't have the motivation to study. Yes, last-minute work has proven that study = long term work. This year's work has been shitty. I don't understand half of what's taught in class. Yes, I haven't worked hard, but I tried. I gave up. Not for EOYs. I can't stand seeing my results so sucky.

This common test is a wake up call. I don't know how hard I'll work for EOYs, but harder than this time. I'm gonna fully utilize the CCA stand-down period, not start a day before the exam. More importantly, I'll attempt all my homework or at least chemistry and math. My math results are totally unacceptable. My As all fly away. Chemistry, I'll aim for a B in SA2. A and E math will become As again. Biology too. I need to wake up.

But then again, that's if I live till then.

PS. I'm a happy girl.

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend,

2010-08-11T18:40:00.002+08:00

My favourite song now. Lucky. It's not, no it's not because I'm in love with my best friend. I know Jake would want me to be, but I won't. HAHA. I love it because it makes love sound so easy. It makes love sound so real, so strong, the way it should be. Across the ocean, love is still as strong, no matter how far apart you are, it's just that little bond between two that holds so true. It doesn't matter how far your distance is, because you know one day, the both of you will be together, someday you'd be home together, again. No matter how difficult life is, no matter how the world spins horribly that you're sick of your life, there'll always be someone out there waiting to catch you when you fall. That's love.

It's dumb, examinations kills. My wrist, at least, if my mood ain't included. English came before Geography, which was dumb, because after the english paper, half of my Geography stuff disappeared from my brain. My right wrist was in serious pain after the paper. I had to rush Geography. 2 questions, do 1. I thought I needed to do both. I could have scored an A if I did the second question, but I stupidly did the first one first, and left half the second question undone. Too bad. I'm gonna do really badly now. I should have read the instructions carefully. I wonder how I'm gonna die tomorrow, to Social Studies essays to complete in an hour, it's a lot of time, compared to SA1, but then again, during SA1, my wrists aren't injured. I'm gonna study like hell tonight and tomorrow morning. I'll study from 8 to 10, bathe at 10, then study till 12, then continue tomorrow morning at 5. Good luck to me. I'm gonna study now.

It happens when you miss someone, and want them too badly. You don't want them anymore.

2010-08-08T21:56:00.000+08:00

It all happens when even Canon in D is in minor key. My life is as hopeless as that. Only, that version of the song goes back into D major key. Mine I guess will either be always in minor, or going downwards to diminished key. Aw, never mind. It's only me being sad anyway.

Ohyeah, I'm finally 15. Sometimes I wonder why 'Happy Birthday'? I'm a year older. It means loads of responsibility are thrown onto my shoulders. I'll have to be more mature, I can't act like I don't care, I can't throw tantrums because I'm still some small kid, I can't cry to anyone just because I am sad. It should be sad. Maybe that's why I never like to celebrate it. Well, nobody celebrates it with me either. This year's birthday is the loneliest and quietest one. Do I mind? I don't really know. Maybe I'm not feeling anything anymore, so it don't matter to me, doesn't bother me. Ahwell, quiet and peaceful birthday. Good enough for me.

PS. I'm sorry. I don't know how to love anyone anymore.

What do I really want,

2010-08-02T22:03:00.000+08:00

I don't get life as it goes on. People always say you understand it more, but I don't. Life sucks. I fainted today and didn't go for the HMT common tests, which is high suicidal. My wrists are getting worse, my left one's pain spreads to the lower part of the hand. I still have to wait till 20/8.

I don't get my work, I've obtained my Amath test results and I tell you, it's the shittiest math results I've ever gotten in my life even if I didn't fail it. I still have 2 bleeding questions to do. I'll do it by tonight. I'm becoming more and more piggish. I can't write, and I can't be bothered. I'm gonna do some math. I don't think I can write an essay within 3 hours, so heck it. I'm not doing it. Math isn't that murderous yet. So life continue to suck. My world is upside down. My health is getting worse. Might as well die. It's faster. Good Riddance.

Close your eyes,

2010-08-01T22:27:00.000+08:00

I won't, no I won't. I won't get back anymore, I won't. It's not a matter of having faith or losing faith. It's just that from now on, I let it be. If I'm gonna fail my paper tomorrow because of my useless wrists, then so be it. What more can I do? Might as well accept what's coming rather than fretting over it again and again. Mel, let it be. Nothing you do's gonna help things get any better, then what for? Let it be. Your wrists hurts? Eat panadols it'll get better soon. Can't do homework? Fail your examinations then? Does it matter? No, it doesn't. Whoops, I've forgotten that nobody cares if I'm alive anyway.

Nah, if you people are asking me to cheer up because my birthday's in a week or whatever, just leave it. Give up. I won't. I can't be bothered anymore. My life has been a pathetic mistake from the start, so no. I don't give a bloody fuck about it. I've had enough of it already. Oh, birthday's coming. So? I don't really give a damn. My birthday has always been like that. Plain like water. So don't give me any ideas. Last year's one was crazy enough. At least I had one nice one. That's enough. I'm living in my own world. I just wanna shut my eyes and not wake up anymore. Dreams are always better than reality. I'm just one girl that no one cares nor bother. I get it. 15 years and I've learnt enough to understand that. Haha.

PS. I love you, but it doesn't matter does it? I don't think you give a damn. Nope, I don't think you've ever gave a damn. I'm not worthy of anything, needless to say anyone. I was just being blinded my ego to think that you had felt the same way for me. It's my fault. I'm sorry I love you.

Wish upon a star,

2010-07-31T23:30:00.000+08:00

Never play out all your cards, something that I most probably never learn. Doesn't really matter, does it? Well doing your best, giving your best is always the right thing to do, at least it is to me.

I have to stop thinking, stop ranting about how pathetic I think I am, or I maybe because it doesn't help at all. I'm tired of living life, because it's always a chore when things are not settled, and when there are more than enough unsaid things left to say when you know that there's no chance. Everyday is a misery, everyone knows why for me. I don't really know how to live on when the desperation, the 'want' and 'need' factor is getting more and more prominent in me, and growing stronger day by day. I can't control it, and it's driving me crazy, but who am I to blame, if not myself?

Life is always weird and funny. I'm down in my luck in all ways. I can't write, wrist pains are getting worse, my wrist bones are malaligned. Damn it, but that's life. It happens. I can't do anything about it, but accept it.

PS. I love you.

I need you,

2010-07-29T22:00:00.002+08:00

However irrelevant what you say is doesn't matter, because every simple irrelevant matter is relevant in your life. Yeah, because of all little random irrelevant things mixed together makes your life full of colour and interest. It's not whether it's a sad life or it's a happy and enjoyable one, but how much you gain.

School was still really slacky for me, because I can't write. Thank you Clement, Bea, Jamie, Ivy and Yuni for taking care of me by nagging me, scolding me, helping me carry my books and helping me copy stuff today. My wrists are really making me feel handicapped. School was really boring because half the time I was sitting alone, Keith didn't come. Trigonometry finally makes some sense to me. Like sense. WOW. At least made a little progress.

Went to Sengkang Polyclinic after school for my wrists, I'm gonna go there again tomorrow for the X-ray and blood testS. I'm gonna die. Fear of injections. Never mind, leave it all to tomorrow.

PS. I really need you, especially when it's the down time in my life.

Sometimes, I just wanna tell you I love you in your face.

2010-07-28T21:31:00.000+08:00

I'm tired, tired of life, everything. I wish I'm dead. I'm worrying about not dying. If I don't die, I'll go crazy at this rate. Oh forget it, 'cause Mel, life always do suck. Nothing ever'll get better only things around it makes you think they're better.

Oh, so today was a really slack day for me. Practical was fun, though. It's fun to see two handicapped people work together. Yuni's leg's still on cast while I can't move both wrists. Slacked the whole day because I can't hold a pen and write. I spent the whole day staring at the teacher. No Geog test for me, no doing corrections for me, no writing for me. Good thing tomorrow's classes end at 1330, so I won't be bored to death in school. I have a mountain of homework waiting for me and I can't do any. Great timing yeah? When I finally wanted to work a bit harder to do some, yesterday my wrists failed me. Aw, but anyway I'm gonna go for x-ray tomorrow, find out what's wrong and stuff. Wish me luck!

Sometimes, I dream of you asking me if I'm okay, but I'd never ever hear your voice speaking to me again.

PS. I love you, I really need you now. Come back. I know you won't. But I'd always wish.

I wish, I pray...

2010-07-26T21:54:00.000+08:00

It doesn't matter anymore. Things are different, way more different than I can even comprehend. So yes, life sucks, but I'd gotta find some way to pick myself up, don't I? I'm just tired of how nothing seems right, nothing ever do, nothing ever will. I'll always just screw something up. It really do suck. Math, my best performing subject, and I just screwed my Add. Math common test. I can never be such an disappointment. Some many pin high hopes on me, and I just blew it all up. I don't know how to describe this feeling, because it's beyond my ability to even understand fully how disgusting I am. I'm utterly disgusted by myself. I don't know what to say, but it's just too bad isn't it? Saying YES, I'm an effing good-for-nothing, I can't bloody do my work/study, I can't play the piano anymore because I just fucking suck. It's just too bad. I guess I'll just have to accept the fact that I'm never ever good for anything. FML.

Tired,

2010-07-22T23:00:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I really wonder when'll all these end. I'm flunking all my tests, I don't even know how to get back to my old self which most prolly suck to the max and will cause me to fail everything in EOY. Never mind about that, when the time comes, it will. Life always suck anyway.

Nowadays, moodiness seem to have become a daily routine, or daily must-have. The worst part is not knowing why I feel this way. I really hate myself for being this way sometimes, I'm always too blind to see what's taking place in me. The worst thing is when that I only notice it when the change is complete, when there's nothing I can do about it anymore. This Melissa, I barely know her. She's lazy to the very max, she'd be the winner if she's in a laziness competition. She gets bad mod all the time. The worst thing about her is that she's forgotten how to love. I don't know how I, the new Melissa's gonna live on.

I'm having a balloon fetish. I've finally mastered how to blow balloons yesterday. A bit later, but yeah. And I can blow two at the same time. They're making my day. Well, not as much as someone could. And only he could. I miss him, I do, but there's nothing I can do. It's always the time you need the person most you notice how dumb you are. I'm at the down-est down now. I don't know how I'm gonna make it through.

PS. Sometimes I wish I could have my memory wiped clean. Then at least it won't be so painful. I'll forget him, I'll forget how bad my wrist is causing my playing to suck. Everything, gone.

It hurts,

2010-07-19T22:19:00.000+08:00

No, I'm just intending to fail every single dumb subject I'm taking now and I'm desperately lack of sleep. I'm not gonna touch my homework, I don't care about what I've planned just now, just damn it. Essay with Ms describing myself. I'm gonna die. I don't know how to do. Limited vocabulary SUCKS. I haven't got an idea on how to do SS either, so I'm just gonna study chemistry later.

Life sucks, he confuses the fuck out of me, and there's nothing I can do. I'm too helplessly in love. I didn't even noticed that I've actually played out all my cards this time round. Too stupid? Maybe. But the part where I don't even notice it is purely dumb. I don't know, after all those Melissa-is-dumb talks with my friends, I don't really care whether I am dumb anymore. I'm immune to it. Ahwell, too bad for me. I'm in no mood to study for my chemistry. Damn it. Tomorrow morning then, since I haven't got any hope in passing.

PS. I don't care what they think. I love you.

Spell love,

2010-07-15T22:24:00.000+08:00

No, I shouldn't say I love anyone. I'm too consumed by everything else. Everything bad, hate, tears, and everything bad. Sometimes, I wonder why I always do things I never expect myself doing. Why sometimes I don't even care about what others think about what I say or do. I just can't be bothered anymore, it seems for it isn't anger or disgustedness that caused the irrational actions. I'm just mad, crazy or whatever. It's just some short reflection post about my sanity. No, I don't have my sanity anymore. Too bad. FML.

PS. You're driving me mad.

Red-nose reindeer,

2010-07-14T22:45:00.000+08:00

Life just can't get any worse sometimes. Yeah, there're two tests tomorrow, Biology and E Math. I haven't study for both, not intending to either, damn my attitude. I know. I don't know what's wrong with me. Hormones went mad or something. Chinese test was the worst one in my whole secondary school education, 50 questions, I left 22 blank. I'm really angry with myself for that attitude. I don't know how to get back to how I was before.

Lessons were really boring. Maybe I'm just too bloody sleepy today. Chemistry was fun fun, got really high and stuff playing with Andre and talking to Yan Bing. I'm not gonna pass my Acids and Bases test for sure. I can't even freaking do chemical equations. Everything was okay besides chinese and chemistry. English was boring, but bearable, Miss Lee finally came back after a long long time. Biology was pretty fun, did practical again. Reducing sugars test. Good thing I didn't screw up, burn my hair, make my beaker explode or anything. That's good, given my luck.

Mummy bought wrist supports for me. 'Supports' because I injured both of my wrist. It suck. It obstructs me playing the piano. Slow passages are loud and tensed. Bass parts sound horribly bangy and loud. Right hand melodies are badly played and sounds disgusting because tension isn't released, worst of all, it's impossible for me to play fast-running semi-quavers because my wrist isn't that flexible and can't rotate. It all equates to my playing sounding like shit. Counterpain plus wrist supports should do the job, but I'll look as if I fell off the stairs tomorrow. I can't even write properly because of my injured right wrist. My handwriting = shit. Oh, tomorrow. Free forced-to-watch live porn again. FML. I'm no lesbian, not discriminating against homosexuals, but just that I'm not interested in her boobs. I'm more interested in guys. But then again, guy or girl, it shouldn't be shown in school, in front of a class.

PS. I don't know, but I just can't let you go, no matter what.

I wanna wanna turn around and walk away.

2010-07-13T23:11:00.000+08:00

I wanna be a red-nose deer. I'd be with santa, I'd be happy in North Pole, great place to escape reality. I'll be able to spread love by carrying Santa's Sleigh, helping him distributing presents. I really don't mind being Rudolph again, being laughed at because of my red-nose (thanks to sinus), 'cause at least back then I was happy. Back then, I took only a month to get over someone who ditched after dating me for more than a year. I don't know how I do it. I don't know how to be happy again, how to spread the happiness, like the little sunflower that shines in everyone's eyes. I've forgotten how to be everyone's jolly angel. Yeah, damn that fact. I desperately need to be happy, become happy.

Oh forget that damned fact shouldn't I? Yeah, I should. It's just a matter of whether I can or cannot. The answer is obviously the latter, needless to say. Oh, never mind. Today was bad. I was sleepy the whole freaking day, but I don't know why. Shouldn't be the lack of sleep, I slept early last night. Or earlier than usual. It's really funny. I'm tired, I really am, but I don't wanna be lying on my bed, waiting to fall asleep, and occupying my mind with things I've been overthinking time and again. Just get that straight Melsa, he don't love you, he doesn't love you, most prolly never did, never will. Everything was just a lie, nothing happened. It was fake. All fake, he tells it to everyone indirectly. Get over him already won't you? I wish I could. I'm trying really really hard, study, music, piano, singing, solos, writing, everything. I'm just not strong enough. I'm disgustingly useless. Too bad for me then. Doesn't really matter.

PS. Don't say you love me, don't even, Don't say you love me, you're leaving.

'Cause there's nothing surgery can do when I break you heart in two.

2010-07-12T21:05:00.002+08:00

It has always been a lie. A big fat lie from the start. I was the only idiot who thought it was true. I don't know why, I still believe in what I did. I can't believe you're that mean, that you're that much of an asshole, that all these had been fake. I can't. I really can't. I tried, I really did. I've tried being strong, tried to let go, tried to hate you. None of it worked. My heart's broken into two, needless to say, nothing can repair it. I still have that glimmer of hope. Whether it's false or not? Let's hope for the better.

PS. Until you tell me yourself, it comes out of your mouth, I will not believe you've done that. I won't. Whether because I still love you or not, it doesn't matter. But to do that, you're barely even human. I believe in you.

Pathetic, much.

2010-07-08T21:38:00.000+08:00

Countdown begins today. I don't know what to say. I shall just count, then. Today was really tiring for me. I can actually feel my body failing me, totally. Trips to toilet to puke, what else? I can't even stay awake in class. I don't even feel like talking. I haven't got any energy at all.

Well, lessons were a bore. Didn't do homework as usual, it's just that I can't be bothered to copy anymore. Did Biology during lesson time, because I don't know how to do. Classes dragged a long long time, because my mind was drifting. I don't get chemistry. FML. Yeah, F it. I can't get my mind off somethings, at least I didn't laugh to myself today. Too tired for that. LOL.

Went to Hougang Mall with Bea after school to eat Subway. I have Subway cravings a lot recently. That's bad, 'cause healthier or not, it's still fastfood, and I'm really broke already. No more fastfood. Or at least until I slim down a lot. Like I have that chance. Everything's a joke now. *SMILES*

PS. You made my life worthwhile.

Somewhere over the rainbow,

2010-07-07T21:50:00.002+08:00

We spend half our childhood wanting to be somewhere else, except where we are, but when we grow old, here is where we wanna be. We never learn to appreciate what we have in the surrounding until finally, when we're gonna lose it right? I never felt like I belong here, but now that I'm leaving, I can't let go. I'll never learn.

I don't know why I'm having fever, I'm so tired. Maybe because tomorrow's already 8 July, I can leave without breaking promises. Ian, don't complain. It'll be perfectly natural. All Natural. Now, I'm just gonna rest, damn the homework. I can't think. I'm afraid to remember. I'm having fever. GOODBYE WORLD.

I only need your presence baby,

2010-07-06T22:29:00.000+08:00

Today sucked to the max. I ran 2.4 alone with some sec 4s from Karen's class. I actually passed. Can you imagine that? First time I've ever finished running 2.4. I passed. Not with brilliant timing, but still passed. 17.55 minutes. Acceptable? Think so. I didn't faint, by miracle.

Today was a really boring day. Fish was sick, and I was all alone in english, so it does. SUCK. Math was g=okay. Did the quiz, found it okay. Nobody actually bothered about the no-discussion rule. Everyone was talking. It's funny. Social Studies really sucked, because I don't know a word Mrs Tan is talking about. Missed both lessons last week. So yeah, missed out loads loads. I don't feel like doing my homework which sucks.

It may seem like a normal day today, but I was upside down inside. Don't need to ask. Well, life is stupid. I don't know why half the things are happening. I'm mad, losing myself. I promised myself not to, but I can't help it. Failure? YEAH, I am one. Disgusted by myself a lot.

Seeing you get into trouble breaks it again. It matters to you. I know it does. You don't want to disappoint them. It upsets you. And to me, seeing you upset is as painful as getting banged down by a car. To exchange your happiness, I don't mind giving up anything I have. I don't know why you did that when you see me. You're the one who wanted to be friends, but now? It seems like we're afraid of each other. Till now, six months, I still love you. I still haven't let go. Talk to me, will you? Please? At least let me know what you're thinking, how you're feeling about this. It's really painful for me, maybe for you too. If you ever read this, I know you won't. But I just hope, you'll tell me soon. Last year, you're my Christmas wish, the best present I can ever receive. I wish for the same thing for my birthday. I love you.

Stardust,

2010-07-05T22:05:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I wish I was a star high above, without worries, watching mortals live their lives, no matter happy, sad or angry. Because no matter what, I'd be watching for above, happily shining above all others. I won't have a single thing to worry about at all. I won't have homework, I won't need to worry about eating or drinking, I wouldn't need to worry about not being pretty or thin enough. I could be me.

It isn't everyday I cry. It isn't everyday I give up. I've tried. I've tried my best. I tried really hard, but I'm just so weak. I can't do it. I've done everything. For you, I've already done everything within my means. You'd be happier, without me, I acted like I'm a stranger, I tried to forget you, I tried to ignore your coolness, I tried to act like I'm okay, I've forgotten how to cry, I tried to get over you. But I really can't. I can't. I've done everything I can. I'm really sorry, I can't be what you want me to be. I'm really sorry I can't do what you want me to do. I'm sorry I'm too weak.

No, you didn't ignore my effort of trying to keep in touch. You have never cared nor bothered. I don't blame you. It's just because I've never meant anything to anyone. I'm always that unimportant disposable girl everyone uses. I can't blame anyone for that can I? Not when everyone is doing it. I never get anything right. It's not about low self-esteem. I haven't got any self-esteem at all. I don't even dare to stare into my reflection on the mirror for too long, I can't even face myself, I too ashamed and embarrassed to. Everyone around me is tall, slim and pretty. I can't even look at myself, without pitying myself. It's disgusting. Everyone's so much more worthy and good. They don't understand. There isn't anyone I can talk to, because I feel so disgusted by myself, so ashamed of myself. I'm so embarrassed by myself. It's not anyone's fault but mine. Oh why, why can't I just die now? When can it all stop?

Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know?

2010-06-30T23:12:00.002+08:00

Life sucks to the max. I've fell ill and it's only the third day of school today. I didn't go to school yesterday. Went home after band practice on Monday, vomiting, running a fever and went to sleep super early. Mummy was supposed to wake me up at 10 and apparently she didn't. I must really look damn sick. So nobody woke me up on Tuesday either. I slept till 10 and continued to sleep after lunch. I haven't felt so pig-ish for a long long time. Well, I suppose that's falling sick isn't it? Today feels the same. The bad headaches are back, at least. Maybe it's the migraines.

Today, went to school a bloody 0600. I woke up at 0530. It was really bad because I didn't sleep much last night, pig-ed too much during the day and can't sleep at night. Bleeding stupid, but yeah. Almost vomited after the breakfast, weird because I don't know why my tummy went mad since Sunday. It's still bad, I didn't eat much of lunch and didn't eat the sandwiches band provided for us. Bloated to the max. I don't even know why. I didn't eat a lot either. I'd been a naughty girl. I drank milk tea which caused me locked up in the toilet for an hour at least and running in and out of it. Finished some work, then went to hunt for black socks. I've only managed to find one bloody pair. I'm dead. I'm supposed to wear for Friday and Saturday. I'm washing them every night. I used to have three pairs. Die. I hope my body can withstand everything without dying off in the middle. Yeah, I haven't been fainting during band practice. I'm not telling you why. I'm clever. That's why. Heh.

This suck, the first day, it already happened. Even a teacher who barely knew what happened asked me why you treated me that way. Why you seem to hate me so much. I didn't know how to answer. I don't know what I've done wrong. I've always thought it was me being over-sensitive, but things are proving otherwise. Even someone, a stranger asked why. Even she noticed. If I've done something wrong, tell me. I'd apologise. Do you even know how painful this is for me? Don't pretend that you don't know me, 'cause that's the worst thing you can do. You don't know how much it's ripping me apart. My heart is already shattered into tiny pieces, are you only satisfied if they're torn into dust? Please. Talk to me. It's killing me.

PS. I wanna wake up from this dream. I wanna have my memory erased. It's too painful for me to live with. If it'll make you happier, I'd gladly disappear.

FML,

2010-06-27T22:30:00.000+08:00

Oh yeah, FUCKMYLIFE. Life sucks, I'm still rushing out all my homework. My math is in a mess, all my heymath stuff's undone. Good thing deadline's not over yet. I'm so gonna die. Lost my math quizzes. I'm gonna die at this rate. I'm gonna rush out my e-math for tomorrow. I'm gonna commit suicide soon.

No, I'm gonna calm down. There's gonna be band tomorrow, I don't wanna faint, so no panicking. I'll hate semester 2, because we have 5 periods of chinese on Monday, I'm gonna die. I'll die. I hate school, as always, but more, NOW. The only bearable thing is Biology now. I'm gonna kill myself soon, or the stress's gonna kill me soon enough when school starts.

I'm thinking of all the rubbish now, I wanna die. Why can't my fucking brain function a little better for an hour or two. I wanna kill myself right this second. FML. I don't know how I'm gonna survive school, seriously. If you wanna know the answer, frankly, it sucks to have your heart dead and you yourself being alive. I wonder how retarded I look to anyone who's seen me doing those things for the past almost-6 months. I'm gonna look stupid dumb and retarded again. I.WANT.TO.DIE.RIGHT.THIS.SECOND.

Yes, you. Why can't you just say it out loud?

2010-06-25T23:10:00.002+08:00

''He lied to you a thousand times. He hurt you twice as much as that and you're gonna tell me you still love me? For what? Breaking your heart?''

Yes, I'm gonna tell you I still love him. And no, not for breaking your heart. As long as I love him, it don't matter if he breaks my heart? GET IT? I don't care if he breaks my heart. Yes, it is shattered into a thousand pieces already, I don't care if I'm being dumb, stupid or whatever. I'm just being me. I haven't got that much time left. Might as well lose myself right now. July. Whatever bye world.

Sometimes I dream,

2010-06-23T22:06:00.004+08:00

I'm checking into rehab, 'cause everything we had didn't mean a thing to you.'
Yeah, I should go to rehab. Get rid of my addiction. There're loads I should do, besides wasting my time. I'm really distracted today during band practice today, I don't know why. I seem to be daydreaming. But the weird thing is that my mind is blank. It's just drifting about everywhere. Yeah, the living dead. I don't know long will it be hibernating, but let's hope I'll wake up soon enough.

I almost fainted today. Dizzy spells, but nope. Didn't drop dead on the floor fainting. I squad down like an idiot when I was doing marching. I did look dumb and retarded, but at least I didn't faint, so Jonathan shouldn't say no to me practicing the formation with the band next band practice. Well, deal's off if I faint, I know. I hope I won't. It doesn't feel nice you know, I always return home with bruises on my shoulder, back and things like that. I really suck.

PS. I wish, I really wish... But it'll never come true. ILYVM. IMY.

Get out of my way, BITCH.

2010-06-20T21:53:00.002+08:00

Yeah, I'm really pissed. Well, nope. It's not a bit good for my health. I've never been so disgusted in my life before. 'Oh, I like your dress. WHOO... Polka dots leh.' Get out of my face, bimbo. Well, I didn't know you like my dress until now after I've owned it for some 3 years, or at least about 2.5 years. If you wanna bootlick people, you might wanna pay a little tiny bit more attention to that person. This is an epic fail. DUMBASS. Oh come on, I thought you bitches have fun badmouthing me, behind my back (literally). You people say it just behind me. So loudly like as if I'm deaf or something, then act like you love me. For what? I don't even get why you're 'praising' me so much. WOW. I'm damned impressed. If you hate me, then just hate me, I don't dive a damn because you're not even important. You're not even a part of my life. It doesn't matter what you do or what you think of me. Oh yeah, and the other one. Don't say hi to me if you wanna laugh at me in right in front after you say hi. If you don't know, I don't need your hi. You're not like Tom Fletcher or Dougie Poynter. Oh come one, you're just one disgusting person. I'M UTTERLY DISGUSTED. Bond with these people? I might as well die. I'd be disgracing myself to be seen in the same place you these people, even for a few short hours a week. EEW.

Pretense,

2010-06-19T23:54:00.000+08:00

I wonder, I wonder. Today might just happen to be one of the worse days of my life. Well, their hypocrisy shouldn't have alarmed me, no I'm not alarmed. But it just shock me how sub-human they are, because if you're human, you'd never ever insult or hurt people so much, because they're just ordinary people to you and you don't even hate 'em. It only shows what kind of person you are, I give up on you people finally, even though I should have long ago. So much for convincing people to love one another, what are you even doing?

Pretend you don't love him, just pretend. Then two things will happen. He'll realize how much he misses you or you'll realize how much you don't need him I'm surprised that this isn't happening yet. Yeah, pretend. But it takes a lot to do that. To pretend that it doesn't exist in you.

Yes, it takes lotsa courage to love someone, love someone that doesn't return his/her love. I understand the how it feels to have the person who means everything to you feel makes you feel like you're nothing. It does suck, and sometimes I wonder how stupid it will seem to him - how I sit here with my eyes never leaving the screen of the phone waiting for his new text or how when I miss him I read the things he told me months and months ago. I really wonder what he'll say when he knew he meant so much to me. Well, no point wondering. I'd never know. I'd never find out. HAHA. Pathetic. It just suck all the happiness and energy out of me. I'm tired. Really tired of how pathetic I am, still standing on the same spot after more than 5 months. Never mind. Forget it. I'm always like that anyway. It won't be me if I'm living my happily-ever-after now. HEH.

I wish I could watch a movie or listen to a song without thinking of you. Walking through a bookstore has become a chore because each title, each cover, each beautiful word sends images of you into my mind. I can't even close my eyes without you being there, but imagining you just isn't enough. I want you to be by side so that each time I'm reminded of you, I can look over my shoulder and be reminded all over again. Oh well, just oh well. It's never happening, so start fantasizing.

If you lose me then you know, you're just a bit too slow.

2010-06-18T23:02:00.002+08:00

Things I hate about you

I hate those clothes you wear,

'cause it wears off your figure.

I hate those times you swear,

'cause it brings out the you that makes me tear.

I hate the way you walk,

'cause it makes you look like you're gonna fall.

I hate to hear you say those untrue truths,

'cause I'll never get to know the truth,

it wears me down to feel cheated,

it makes me cry,

but it didn't matter.

I love you so, those times were great.

I hate the way you dazzle me,

'cause I stare at you dreamily, all can see.

I hate the way you drag me running in a mall,

'cause your hand holding mine flushes my cheek,

it sends my heart thudding.

I hate the way you say those three words,

'cause you make it sound like it didn't matter,

but little did you know, more than the world it mattered.

I hate the way you dote on me,

'cause I rely on you so much,

it's hard for me to separate from you.

I hate the way you protect me,

'cause it takes away my freedom,

it makes you upset with me.

I hate the way you lie to me,

'cause it made me cry every single night,

shattering into pieces.

I hate why you never talk to me again and avoid me,

'cause it makes me think I'd never mattered,

everything was a fantasy.

But what I hate most,

is of all these things I hate about you,

I was never even close to hating you.

Shut up bitch, think whatever you want, I DON'T CARE.

2010-06-17T21:17:00.000+08:00

It's really stupid. It's really dumb, if you don't believe me, then forget it. How difficult is that? Don't understand, then even easier. ~~FUCK OFF~~ Okay, enough of my rants, now everyone knows my mood is really really bad today. To make my mood loads worse, my whole facebook news feed is overwhelmed with stupid world cup soccer stuff. Yeah, Argentina 4, Korea 1. I don't care, I really don't. I don't watch and I know. I'm pissed. It's totally unrelated to my life, LIKE HELLO? I'm not interested. PMS? I don't know. My mood is BAD. Then the worse, no rain today. Bad weather equates to bad mood.

No, no. Today was boring. I watched 3 movies, explain how bored my life is? Yeah. Lifeless life. I wanna get out of the house, so tomorrow, yeah. Getting out. For tuition. Pathetic. But whatever. At least I'll be doing something conventional. Not wasting the whole day or sorts. Watched 10 things I hate about you, Freaky Friday and Parent Trap. I'm still bored, did little reading today. I'm still reading Goblet of Fire. Okay, gotta run now. Byebyeworld.

No girl, you're not ugly. You're just special in a different way.

2010-06-15T21:32:00.000+08:00

Went out with Bea today, almost went to everywhere. No, I'm never going out if everything's not planned properly. LOL. We almost died on the streets today. I've got a blister on my toe. Went to Somerset (313), then walked all the way to Plaza Sing, then walked around the mall for a hundred times, because we were bored. We went to the very empty still City Square Mall, then back to Hougang Mall before home. Bought nothing more than 2 pens, which was pretty dumb. So no more un-planned trips to anywhere anymore, unless with future boyfriend (wait for 10 years later, it'll happen then). You won't feel bored or even feel like it's a waste of time staring at the person you love. But it's really a waste of time. LOL.

I'm gonna die tonight, I'm having killer-headaches, I don't know why. I haven't been under the sun or anything what. It's about time I fell ill anyway. Can't seem to last that long without getting ill. It's getting worse at home. I feel like sleeping, there's nothing to do at all, or at least I don't wanna do it (HOMEWORK, FTW). I'll die soon, no homework done. Doomsday soon. I wanna watch a movie, but apparently there ain't any good ones around now. That's sad lor. Haven't bought my brother's present. I have no no idea on what to buy at all. I only have a few days left. 11 days before his birthday on the 26th. Damn, what to buy? I HAVEN'T GOT AN IDEA AT ALL.

PS. I just want the truth? Is that asking too much at all?

I'm a free bitch, baby.

2010-06-14T23:24:00.000+08:00

Hell yeah. I'm a free bitch. I have much less off my shoulders now. hopefully, these 5 months' suffering is made worthwhile. I shan't disappoint myself. Makes me think of Freaky Friday. The part where Tess Coleman randomly says 'You're a strong, independent woman.' Makes me laugh a great deal. I should start living for my self, not living off a guy in my memories. Dwelling in memories is just not healthy. HELL NO.

Well, let's hope I'm not a free bitch for long. The freedom is too much for someone like me, who hardly has anything to do. Especially in the holidays. Well, I'll be very free for this week. Next week, band starts, I won't die at home. Well, some people will understand the 'free' I mean. Yeah, sometimes its good to be single (it's always good, since you won't get hurt that badly), there's a whole lot of things you'll miss about being attached.

Here's a list. Kaka, you know how bored I am now.

-Miss being loved (like duh)

-Miss being dote on/getting charmed/sweet talked

-Miss being hug (this is the worse)

-Miss having late night calls till very late you know, like 3,4 in the morning

-Miss having SMSes all the time

-Miss having someone who will willingly let you pester no matter what (how busy they are) when you're bored

-Miss having a shoulder to lie one

-Miss crying to someone without that person complaining

-Miss being someone's punchbag

-Miss taking care of someone unconditionally and being unconditionally loved

-Miss always being there for someone, like that someone, who'll always be there

Haha... That's about everything. Going out tomorrow with Bea, to we-don't-have-an-idea where, yet. Lunch, meeting at Hougang Mall. Think of something to eat later. So tomorrow won't be as bad as today, pigging at home like a pig, literally. Sleeping in all day. So tomorrow won't be that boring, and Wednesday's gonna be homework day, HOPEFULLY.

PS. You don't need to like someone, to love someone, but you need to love someone to like someone. xoxo

2010-06-13T15:31:00.000+08:00

30 Letters.
You can either send it to them (anonymously or with your name) or keep them to yourself. On this day you write a letter to:
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 —Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
You can either send it to them (anonymously or personally) or keep them to yourself.

Yeah, I'm gonna do this. For fun? Maybe. I don't know. I just feel like doing it. Kills time too. 30 letters to write. Maybe when I die, someone will find this letters and actually find these and send it to the people I write them to. Like as if I can finish them, and have patience to find a place to hide them. HEH.

I'm gonna die really soon, I'm dying of boredom. I'm too disgusted with everything, mind you, that includes myself. I'm tired of living life, I'm sick of escaping reality when reality gets screwed (no, it's screwed already). So yeah, what's the point of life then? No fun, no happiness, nothing. Happiness is only real when it's shared. Life is meaningless and empty when you're not happy. Pathetic enough, I haven't got anything to share, or anyone to share anything with. Too bad. Haha... Might as well except it, better than dwelling in it with self-pity. Nobody will ever sympathize with you anyway. Heh. Since when am I so positive? It's good for a change though. I hate my hairstyle. Looks like shit, seriously. My fringe is too too too too freaking long. My slant is gone. I looks like some retarded side-parting fringe. It doesn't suit me. Not that it's retarded on someone else's head or it's ugly, but it just look ugly growing out on my head, that's it. I don't wanna waste money to just trim my fringe. I can't trim my hair yet, because I won't be able to tie it if I did. I wanna keep long hair, and no cutting it super short too. It's sucky. I hope my hair grows faster. I'm gonna buy extensions soon. SAVE UP. This is like everything I have to say, I'm bored, really bored and I don't wish to daydream about unconventional stuffs. BYEBYEWORLD.

2010-06-12T23:41:00.002+08:00

Life sucks, completely. Can't tell you how jealous I am. Why do ugly, bitchy girls always get those handsome guys? It's just not fair. Not that I'm saying I'm pretty or something, but I do look at least a little better than that girl kissing that handsome guy. Life's just unfair. I'm gonna make myself as ugly as I was in primary 4,5 and 6. Not like that plan is failing. Just compare me now with the Melissa at the start of the year. Completely different. I look like shit now, with those spectacles, out of shape/unstyled hair and unmatching clothes (I can't be bothered to match 'em, just pick whatever's on the top). Yeah. EEWISH, Mel. Completely disgusting. But I can't help it. I've only got a pair of contact lenses left. I'm not gonna waste it. No, I AM NOT. Yeah, I think I'm starting to gain weight. I'm not letting myself have a chance to become pig-like again after I'm lost 3 kg. No more suppers, no more snacks and not too much fastfood. Few more days before Fish comes back. Heh. Happy ending.

PS. Pooh bear is playing with fire already. Fireman, get yourself ready. Please save the bear. You're her only hope now.

2010-06-10T22:13:00.001+08:00

I'm finally back, not that I want to be. It's gonna be damn boring, no it is damn boring. Fish is still in Japan, nobody to get high with and lame with till late night. Nobody is free to go out with me, which is more than freaking pathetic. Kill me.

Church camp was great, learnt a lot of things and it did distract me quite a lot. So yeah, I feel better. Not like anything good happened, but instead something bad. Oh, FML. The bad thing about this year's camp is that XY wasn't there, so yeah. I was damn bored and lonely. Nobody to bitch with, nobody to gossip with, nobody to play with, sleep late with and camwhore with. Nobody to shop with too. Heh. Sucks right? When bestie isn't there to be your room mate. Learnt a lot of things from the sermons, which actually is a very good thing. I didn't even snooze at all. I don't even know how that was done. Malacca rocks, I loved the Chendol. The one a the riverside. LOL. I bet I've gained lotsa weight. Time to exercise. Shit, I feel like eating Subway, and apparently nobody's gonna accompany me. SUCKS TTM.

Life's nothing but an irony. 'The person you end up needing the most is the person you swore you never wanted in the first place.' Yeah, you can guess how much life sucks right? I don't know why this sudden thing you know, it makes me feel loads and loads more pathetic than usual. Not miserable, but pathetic. Gosh, XY's gonna put up with my crap again. Yeah, I'm feeling sorry about it already, especially when she dislikes that person, so yeah. It's gonna be a lot worse for her. Why, why? At this time. Maybe it's a good sign, maybe it's gonna turn out good/well, maybe it shows that I'm letting go of the past, I'm moving on. I don't know. I'm just bloody frightened and confused about what's happening and what's gonna happen.

PS. I love my new Doraemon soft toy.

PPS. What if the pooh bear falls in love with playing with fire? Will the fireman come and rescue her from the danger?

2010-06-06T23:36:00.000+08:00

No, it's not like that. OH REALLY? Why, oh why now? I'm really gonna explode. I hope it won't be now, 'cause tomorrow I'll be far far away from home. I shouldn't explode. I wish I won't, I hope I won't. I don't know what'll happen. Being depressed is good enough, I don't want madness. I'm done with my life, or at least it feels like that. I haven't felt alive since mid-January. Doesn't really matter anyway, nobody cares what. Why should I care if I'm dead or alive, since nobody does? NEVERMIND. DAMN THE STUPID LONER, SADISTIC EMO THOUGHT. Yeah, FML. Perfect phrase to express my feelings. WOW. No, it didn't blood mattered, so it fucking won't.

Tomorrow will be a long long day for me. Gonna wake up at 6 leave home at 6.30 to Eunos. I don't think I could sleep tonight. I'm not tired, but I'm not excited. Given my mood now, I'll have to survive one bloody sleepless night again, as usual. FUCKMYLIFE, really. Nothing can salvage the bad bad mood, so it suck. Wanna die now, but I can't. It sucks, seriously. I feel like the dumbest person on earth, but that's not the worst part. The worst part is that I can't help it. FTW, seriously. Sleepless nights. Freak me out a little more than usual, because I've not been sleeping well for a long long time. Damn. I wanna fly a kite now. CRAZYYYYY.

如果我先在对你说我爱你，你会怎么做？若我在次拥抱你，你会说什么？我只能告诉你，我非常非常爱你。我很努力地在改变这个事实，但就是改变不了。对不起，给你带来那么大的困扰。我不是有意的。真的，我很爱你，我是不会故意去做一些会伤害你，或令你不自在的事情的。对不起，害到你这么怕我，躲避我，不和我说话。这都是我的错。我真的没办发。原谅我吧，我爱你。

PS, I've never wanted to disturb you. I can't help it. I just love you. It's torturing me. I'm trying not to love you, but I can't. It's my fault. I'm too weak. Sorry, I love you.

2010-06-05T23:12:00.002+08:00

Hungry, yeah. At this time. Late night. Should die. So yeah, I don't have anything to eat at home. Another sleepless night it'll be. Sucks.

Today's a very eventful day. Sucks, but still eventful. Sucks, because it had been a terribly long day, and I can't be more tired (I don't feel like sleeping though). Woke up at 6 by some idiot smoking below my room. Sensitive nose. Then went for band, rushed home then rushed to SF. Was almost late, reached at 4 sharp. Kinda suck, 'cause everything was in a hurry. After that went to grandma's house and went home at 9 plus. That's how long it's been for me. I'm really tired. God knows why I'm so hungry now.

My mood's really mad today. I feel like laughing and screaming at the same time. Weird one. First time though, so it's kinda scary. It really really is. I've forgotten to bring my B flat for band practice today, and slacked quite a lot during sectionals, because I can't play with them. Practicing E flat myself kinda suck. I can't play too loud, I'll disturb the rest, and I don't wanna play the high notes. But at least I more or less figured out some parts of the score. It wasn't that useless lahh. Thank goodness, or I'll feel guilty for very long again.

PMS, you might call it. But I can't can't let go no matter how hard I try. I'm that useless. I can't even forget someone. I can't even stop loving someone who doesn't love me anymroe, who mayn't even loved me in the first place, from the start. What an idiot? Just FUCKMYLIFE. I wanna die. The more I live on, the more I find myself wanting and needing him. Whenever I see him, I have this impulse of hugging him. I feel like shit. Life can't get any worse nowadays. Reality had been sucky. I'm losing sleep, I can't even escape reality. SUCKS. WHAT AN IDIOT.

PS. I still love you, I don't know why.

2010-06-03T21:13:00.002+08:00

Trying to kill boredom.

39 secrets about yourself, be honest.

1. Name one song that reminds you of an ex?
Lonely, by MCFLY

2. Where was your display pic taken?
At home.

4. Relationship status?
Single and available. LOL. -.-

5. Honestly, does your crush like you back?
I don't have one right now.

6. What is your current mood?
Bored.

7. What color underwear are you wearing?
Purple.

8. What makes you happy?
Chocolates.

10. If you could go back in time, and change something what would you change?
~~not break up with some idiot, or not even going to Bowen, so it won't happened~~ Nothing, really.

11. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day:
Dog.

12. Ever had a near death experience
Yes. D=

13. Something you do a lot?
SLEEEEEEEP.

14. What’s the name of the song stuck in your head right now?
Smile, Mcfly.

15. Name someone with the same birthday as you.
Geogry.

17. When was the last time you cried?

Yesterday. FUCK.

18. Have you ever sung in front of a large audience?
Yeah.

19. If you could have one super power what would it be?
Making those I love love me back. LOL. No lah. Being invisible.

20. First thing you notice about people?
Eyes.

22. What’s your biggest secret?

Being dumb.

23. Favorite colour?
Purpleeee.

24. When was the last time you lied?
When I tell people I'm happy.

25. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows?
No, I seldom do watch movies.

27. What are you eating or drinking at the moment ?

Nothing.

28. Do you speak any other language?
English, and er, chinese. If that counts.

29. What’s your favorite smell?
Roses.

30. If you could describe your life in one word what would it be?
Boring? SAD.

31. When was the last time you gave/received a hug?
Can't remember,

32. Have you ever been kissed in the rain?
Yeah. Looked like a complete retard, FTW.

33. What are you thinking about right now?
Don't tell you.

34. What should you be doing?
Nothing.

35. What was the last thing that made you upset/angry?
Him.

37. Do you like working in the yard?
I don't have a yeard.

38. If you could have any last name in the world, what would you want?
A... POYNTER. HAHA... (I still love Dougie more than anything)

39. Do you act differently around your crush?
Who doesn't? At least get nervous or something.

2010-06-02T21:55:00.000+08:00

Politics sucks, I'm tired of it already. Why am I dragged into everything out of the sudden? A bit too much to handle? YEAH. Like as if I'm not already very stressed up. Choir was fun. Fell asleep on Shan. Joke. It's kinda dumb, but whatever. No dreams. No, actually I had many. Bad ones, so they are nightmares. Haha... Scream out crying when some idiot played Lyphard Melody, freaked everyone out. The thought I went crazy, or I was going into a seizure. Sucks.

Anyway, nothing to post. My mood is really really bad. Everything just have to go wrong today. I need to sleep badly. Emotionally drained. Too tired. Oral sucked. Screwed. Gonna fail, so FML. BYEBYEWORLD.

2010-06-01T21:52:00.000+08:00

So much for being muddle-headed, trying to forget, wanting to forget. HAHA. It came back to me itself. Amazing memories. WTH. So much for trying hard to be dementia prone. FML.

It's damn embarrassing to play E-flat. My pitching sucks, even if it's on pitch, it sounds like a squeak. That's well, too bad for me. Everyone's been supportive. Everybody is encouraging me, so I'm gonna work harder. Jonathan said 'You take E-flat how many days only, of course like that lah.' Hopefully it's really because I'm not used to playing the instrument. It sucks to play, but produce noise that sounds like killing a chicken.

Oh damn, tomorrow's english oral. I'm prepared to do really badly. I'm gonna get another C for english for EOYs. I can't be bothered. It's killing/wasting my brain cells. I need brain cells to work on my other subjects. If I'm gonna get a 6 for english, I'll have to get 1s for every other subject, except chemistry. I need double math, EL, CL, combined humanities, Biology for L1R5. No hope for chemistry. If I'm not getting 8, I'm not gonna let it too far out from 8. If I get 1 C6 and others all are A1s, it's 11. Acceptable? Maybe. I hope I can achieve that kind of results, since studying is the only I seem to be able to doing quite well in. I'm never good at anything anyway. Well, I don't know what time's oral. It's pretty stupid. They only tell us whether ours is in the morning or afternoon. Not very clever. Tomorrow's mine dooms' day.

You're give a headache, a fever. My body is already reacting telling me I can't handle it anymore. I guess I'm just too stupid. HAHA... Laugh at my helplessness, pathetic to the max life. It's killing me. It really is. But still, I don't know why I can't let go, why I still love you. My head say yes, but my heart say no. FML.

PS. We should just die. GOOD MORNING BALTIMORE. *JOKE*

2010-05-30T22:38:00.000+08:00

Okay, life does suck right now. Let me die. I can't fall asleep, yeah. Sucks, I was so freaking tired yesterday after the whole amazing race thing, but was still wide awake at 2. Mad right, I was pretty amazed that I wasn't sleepy in church, on the way there or on the way back. Good thing.

I can't fall asleep, I just can't. It feels like shit. Especially on a Saturday night, because there's church on Sunday. So yeah, I've got a really bad night, I felt like eating sleeping pills because i was worn-out and I wasn't able to sleep. Sounds impossible, try it yourself and you know how suicidal it'll feel.

I'm totally stressed up about tomorrow's band practice, E-flat's gonna kill. I don't know how I'm gonna play the scores with those super high pitched notes. I hope I won't get scolded or something for the lousy playing. I'm not used to the new tiny mouthpiece. The teeth mark on my lips should prove that. 2 holes. How nice right? It sucks to the max. I hope I can master it soon though. Shouldn't throw face, not mine, nor the section's. Sucks, must practice like hell already. I hope my lips won't bleed tomorrow.

~~It's~~ hard you know, to not dare to sleep. When I sleep, I dream. I remember. I relive those things. I've to start from the scratch to erase and everything. It's not fun you know. It's painful. Nothing numbs it. Try how it feels. I want to make myself hate you. I want to. But I can't. I really can't. I don't get why I'm taking so long to get over you, the one everybody thinks unworthy of. I don't know why I love you so much, when you don't love me anymore. Nope, you never did.

PS. Sometimes, I wish I haven't met you in my life.

2010-05-27T21:48:00.000+08:00

Nah, I'm just gonna die. Report book's back. L1R5 = 16, L1R4 = 13. Overall average = 68.4 *BANGS WALL REALLY HARD* *WHY STILL HAVEN'T DIE?* The suckiest results I've ever gotten since sec 1. My worst was L1R5 = 15. I should really die? Who the freaking hell gets C5 for english? ME. Yeah, not very save. NOT SAVE AT ALL. Might as well go and die with such stupid results. I can't stand it anymore. I'm gonna work harder the next time round. Hopefully it'll pull my results up. I'm gonna die with such lousy results. I can't even get into a JC with slightly higher standards. Slightly above average. I can't see myself getting 19 points wearing SRJC uniform or going into a poly, with the course I don't like at all. My goal, my ultimate target's L1R5 = 8. I wrote in my diary. I'm gonna achieve it. Or at least somewhere near there. Not freaking double of 8, 16. It's suicidal to get such results. It's worst having it printed on your report card, because you're constantly reminded that you've done BADLY.

I'm gonna die soon. E flat clarinet is really really hard to play. My lip keeps bleeding, refusing to cooperate. I did manage to improve a little. I can play high B in correct pitch already, better than yesterday, anything higher than high F was flat. It's not good enough. I have a maximum of 4/5 ledger lines about the staff for my score, God knows how long I'll have to take to be able to play those notes. I guess by than my lips will be very bloody. I'm freaking stressed out. The last time I have had my notes this falt was when I was in sec 1. I feel so freaking useless. Damn it.

I'm tired of it all. I left, I needed the quietness. I tried to distract myself. I tried to busy myself with things, drowning that voice deep inside. I stayed back for every other reason, just to not be alone. I don't wanna think. If I'm alone, that voice will speak to me. I don't want to hear it. It's too much pain. Too much pain to even remember. I tried, but failed. I tried to stay back every single time I had a chance. Today, I stayed, but things only got worse. Why must you appear? Why? Yes, I'm feeling shitty. More than shitty. Worse than ever. My mood's at its bottom most. I need you there. I want you to be there. Truth and reality says that NO. You won't fucking be there anymore. Why do you have to appear at such great timings? When I need you, but I'll never get you. Try how sucky it feels. You haven't got a bloody clue how I feel or ever felt. That explains it well. You HAVE to delete my number. Avoid me. Be aloof. But when I walk pass you with my friends and did not notice you, you steal a glance and stared. I may be horribly unaware of my surrounding and partially blind, but they aren't. Why do you have to contradict yourself? Do you care or not? I DON'T THINK SO? What's the point of scolding you here? It doesn't change anything. You're torturing me. I know that pretty well. But with all these, I still love you. I still want you. What a stupid moronic idiot? Yeah. I know that. I'm angry with myself. Why can't I just let go? I'm killing myself. I should die now. Faster. FUCKMYLIFE.

PS. Simple words, ILOVEYOU.

2010-05-26T22:27:00.001+08:00

I'm gonna die soon. Small, but highly murderous. E flat clarinet. I'm gonna die soon. My lip is bleeding now. It's damn hard to pitch. My lips are so tired because the mouthpiece is so much smaller than the B flat clarinet's mouthpiece. I'm damn stressed up now. The score we're learning have a lot of super high-pitched notes. Killers. And I wanna kill myself now. I don't wanna disappoint Jonathan, 'cause he trusted me to be in E flat clarinet myself. I'm so gonna work hard. I'm gonna use cigarette paper so that my lips won't bleed. Hopefully everything will get better soon, when I get more used to the mouthpiece.

Believe in yourself? It doesn't seem to be possible when you're me. I'm tired of keep trying sometimes. It just... Doesn't work out for me. There's always a voice in my head saying, I'll never reach it. I give up. I wanna lose everything, even if it means my life with it. I always almost see those things, dreams coming true, but I lose it. I don't have the strength, the faith anymore. I'm sick of trying, yet falling down every single time. I'm sick of believing, because there's nothing to believe in at all. It's all fake. It's just a bloody illusion. No, no. I wanna die. I'm scared, I don't know what I'm scared of. The worst fear I'm facing now is being afraid of being scared. Yeah, complicated.

When I saw you today, I can't help but keep shooting secret glances at you. It hurst that much being so close to you, but not even daring to look at you straight. It's so painful. Unbearably painful. Why? Why always you're there when I'm in a bad shape, with really shitty moods? Why when I need more than anything a person to talk to, a hug from someone, you appear? I'm being stupid. I know. You don't care at all. You've already moved on. I remembered how you tried to convince and reassure me that I was really important to you, but 12 days after we fell out you told me you don't love me like you didn't ever felt anything from the start. It kills, the feeling. It does. I can only smile at my stupidity, my little fantasy. Yet, it's the only thing I want and long for now. You.

PS. I could really use a shooting star right now.

2010-05-25T22:59:00.001+08:00

I'm waiting. Waiting for the Mcfly album. Hopefully by then I'll be a little tiny bit richer to buy it. I'm still very very poor. Sucks. I hope Singapore will sell it. I'm going crazy over Mcfly. Dougie Poynter. HAHA...

I'm weird, weirder by the day. I went crazy blasting music yesterday night. Or today morning. MIDNIGHT. I was singing and nodding my head away on my bed, then jumping up and down on my bed. Nope, I'm not a teeny weeny bit normal. It's the thing that I feel all the time nowadays. I don't even know what it's called. It's freaky, no doubt. I don't even know how I myself feel and what kind of emotions I'm actually feeling. It does. SUCK. I'm dying soon at this rate. I'll kill myself because of the overwhelming stress. Yes, maybe I should. GOOD RIDDANCE. Faster. Don't need to wait for it to kill me.

Promises, all broken. Skipped choir again. I've lost my passion for it. I didn't mind doing those shit jobs that I'm not responsible to do in the past, now even dragging myself there is difficult. Harder than usual, maybe because of the jellybeans going up and down in my heart. I'm more depressed than usual. It's hard to even drag me out of the house. I hate being outside. I'm afraid of being outside to be exact. I don't feel save at all. I feel like I'm gonna die the moment I'm out of the house. Insecurity? YES. DAMN IT. It sucks, seriously. Whatever that has gotten into me these days is gonna kill me soon. Why oh why? LIFE SUCKS. I WISH I COULD TAKE DRUGS. OBVIOUSLY I CAN'T. SO I SHOULD JUST TAKE THE PLUNGE.

PS. I shouldn't have fell in love. Maybe falling off a bridge would hurt a great deal less, or maybe I would have died soon before I can actually feel something.

PPS. 'You don’t need a relationship to validate your self-worth. The most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one with yourself.' I should learn this by heart and apply it to myself. LIKE AS IF IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE. JUST LET ME DIE. FUCKMYLIFE.

2010-05-24T22:58:00.000+08:00

It sucks. It really does. I'm feeling floaty, but it's the fever and migraine that kills. I feel warm all over. For someone with low temperature like me, having normal temperature already sucks, then now the high one? It kills. Oh, so today was not a good day. Spend most of my time sleeping, the only thing productive was piano lesson.

Yeah, yeah. I wanna marry Dougie Poynter, too bad he's with Frankie Sandford now. I can just go cry in my closet. New obsessions, Martin Johnson and Paul DiGiovanni from Boys like Girls. Lead singer and Lead guitarist. Paul's just cute, Martin's hot. Paul makes me want him oh so bad it hurts. I'm too into pop/rock/pop punk music. Whatever. I love it too much that I don't think I'm supposed to be a girl. Only guys go mad about them. It explains why I hit off with all the J&G gang boys so well. All crazy about the same type of music. I love it when they just randomly jam on the bus for fun. I won't need to blast music from my iPod that way. Safe battery.

I'm missing out a lot on life. I know. I'm shunning away from everyone. I prefer being along and I'm weirder than usual, not that I'm not weird enough. I better do something before Desiree and the girls start thinking I'm mad and the boys thinking I'm desperate for company. I keep thinking why, but I guess I just need time. Obviously 4 months wasn't enough. Fuck, but yeah. It's the truth. I should die. Nobody takes so long. Nobody, but me. Not very comforting.

I owe an apology for those who have been there since long ago. I promised to get back on my feet. I promised to forget, kick him out of my hard. The promises that I never intended to break. All broken. I don't blame G to be angry with me. I did promise those things. I want them to happen. To not be broken, but it just doesn't go away. My brain says yes, chases it out but it is deeply rooted in my heart. SUCKS.

I'm gonna gonna learn guitar and take it seriously. Hopefully I won't give up that easily again. Self-teaching sucks, but good distraction. I can't even find one freaking guide book in 2 Popular bookstores. FTW. Pissed me off. Luck is gonna get better. I'll go to a bigger one. I must master playing it by this year. I don't care.

PS. You still drive me crazy until now.

2010-05-20T21:24:00.000+08:00

I miss the time where I don't need to fake a smile to cover that frown and those tears. Heartbroken, I'm unable to smile. It's already been more than 4 months, why can't I let go? Why do I still love him? The dumbest person on earth, no doubt.

No, it's not nice at all. I'm getting weaker by the day both physically and psychologically. Yeah, I'm always feverish, then my temperature drops to numbers like 35.4 degrees celsius. It's kinda scary, the extreme type. I try not to think of it. It freaks me out as well.

Well, to think of it, there's something really wrong with my brain. I'm really really blur nowadays. I left my wallet in Nicky's bag and forget to take it bag from him before he went home. I'm left with nothing. Good thing Keith borrowed me money for lunch. I went to 958 instead of 957. Got my own block wrong. Kandice was shouting my name and I pathetically thought that a mad woman was screaming someone's name. It ain't about the blur sotong anymore. I think I suffer from brain damage or something like that. Bang my head hard too many times on the floor when I've fainted. Screws all dropped out.

I used to have that sunshine smile that never fails to make people happy. Now, that same smile makes people worried about me. Yes, they feel comforted, but they wonder if I'm really happy. What to do? It sucks to be able to make everyone but myself happy.I wonder what I can do to make them stop worrying. I'm not happy, but it doesn't matter anymore.

当你离开我，和我分开的时候，我的心已经死了。我开不开心对我而言在也不重要了。因为我的生命没有了你就没有意义了。我不知为何如今我还对你念念不忘，可是我就是那么苯的还在这里痴痴地等。我爱你。这是个改变不了的事实。人人说我很苯。我不得不承认我苯。我不明白为什么当出会看上了你，我累了。我要放弃，但我不明白为什么我放不下。我的心痛的我已经受不了了。我不知道做错了什么，你为何要这么怕我，必须躲避我。每当我看见你，心又碎一次。非常苯啊。你跟本不在呼。我每晚不哭，睡不着。痛苦死了。但没办法。爱得太深，伤害太大了。我真是全世界最苯的人。我想你从来没爱过我吧？这都是我一相情愿的想法。我真的真的很爱你。没你的日子很难敖。死了可会好些，轻松多。你可能因为不用在见我更快乐。那样，死也死的值得。就因为那三个字，我爱你。

2010-05-18T23:08:00.001+08:00

I'm really mad. I seriously don't know what's wrong with me. I'm sorry if I've been not myself, but I can't help it anymore. There's something wrong and I don't know what is. It really suck. Besides the sucky part today, I did unexpectedly okay for my chemistry and social studies. I could have gotten A1 for combined humanities. I missed 75 by 1.5 marks. I could have gotten 60 for chemistry if I've got one mark more. But well, I passed. I didn't expect that. It's good enough already. I didn't work hard enough this time round. I deserve to get shitty results for that. I'm gonna work harder. No more clacking. I can't live with all that Cs in my report book.

Life suck no doubt. I'm losing myself. I'm sick of saying that already, but this time, it feels like it. I would still try to keep myself sane last time, but now. I can't even be bothered. I really have that temptation to break that promise. It didn't matter, I'm trying to convince myself. Everyone breaks their promises to me. I promise I won't led this fade, you don't even talk to me for years after you promised that. Everybody does that to me, so why make that effort to not break a promise? It suck. I need to get drunk. Being sober sucks. I don't think I'm quite sober now anyway. I can't think properly. So it sucks. I just hope and hope that I won't have to feel anything. Being numb sucks, but it's better that being so close yet so far, 'cause it's far more painful than you can ever imagine.

PS. One more night, I wanna be with you.

2010-05-17T22:45:00.000+08:00

There's something really wrong with my brain. I had been blur since the morning because I'm still half asleep and half sick. I loved today morning's weather. My favourite cooling nice type of mornings that makes me wanna drink hot chocolate. Today after I fainted, I start doing stupid things. I banged the wall, used body shampoo to wash my hair, start singing randomly, can't play the piano. Symptoms of going crazy. It's funny 'cause I didn't fall straight to the ground today. Fish grabbed me. And I actually sustained some injury with my brain because I'm abnormal today after fainting.

Mummy had been complaining I look pale. I think I must really look sick. I usually have rosy cheeks, so if I look normal, I'm already pale. Shan came to pass me the candies he bought when he went to Essex and complains that I'm in a fucked up mess because I was staring at him like some idiot not responding to anything even when he 'suan' me. I usually 'suan' people back with double the power they use to 'suan' me. I'm not really normal. Desiree said I looked like I was gonna fall and die any moment.

Things went on quite smoothly today. Surprises, yes. But not that disappointing. I scored 79/100 for Biology, like IDK how I did it. I passed Geography, yet another miracle with 34.5/50. I got an A2, 73/100 for E math. It's bloody terrible for E math. The lowest in class was 60, SO NO. I didn't do well for it. The worst part is that most of the marks deducted are caused by my carelessness. How great? Nevertheless, thank God for actually this results. I should have failed everything and I didn't so yeah. Fishy got 96/100 for E math. The highest in class. Haha... I'm so happy for her. Yeah, a bit jealous. 'Cause she's not a sotong. I am a big one. Queen some more.

I'm still shedding that invisible tear for you. I don't know why. I saw you, you turned, see me and just walked away in the other direction, torn me apart you did. Why avoid me when you say you can't be bothered with me? Friends? Are you sure we aren't enemies? I was in bad luck, and sat in front of you I chose to look away. You didn't know there was a world war taking place inside me deciding whether to just turn and look straight at you because I simple miss you. FML.

PS. I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hung over. I'll love you forever. Forever is over.

2010-05-16T23:18:00.000+08:00

I'm listening to lyphard melody. It makes me feel like someone out there is experiencing the same thing as I am. Well, nobody ever understands the true meaning of the word solitude. I guess everyone goes mad before that. I know why.

I'm losing my sanity when all the stress is kinda gone. Examination stress, at the least is gone. That isn't good at all. I have nothing to keep my mind occupied and not think of somethings. No more blockage in my brain in front of those fearful memories. In the midst of all those mundane life happenings called memories, a lot of it at the back hurts a lot. Nobody fails as much as I. It makes me wonder why I'm such a loser in life sometimes. Nobody has been played as many times as I had been. So haha... Sad to be me? Maybe, but it's just me. I haven't got a choice have I? I don't get to choose the type of people I meet in life. Maybe they weren't assholes until they meet me. I don't really care.

I miss the old times, where I can run all free. I hate school like I've hated it since young. I haven't liked it ever before, only when my boyfriend is my schoolmate, then yeah. I LOVE SCHOOL. But too bad. There's no more to it is there? Smile the past goodbye, 'cause it's already gone before you know it is. I missed the times where I could be stupid and dumb al I want, because nobody would wanna come and hurt me. It suck, every time major changes takes place in me, it's because of a guy. I never tied french twist because of a guy. I stop tying french plaits because of a guy. I cut my hair short because of a guy. How dumb? I guess no girl would ever need to put in so much effort to forget someone. What's the worst part? She fails even after so much effort is put in. I feel so stupid. I miss my long hair. I would have it pretty long by now if I haven't cut it short. Remember how ugly I look for a few years, I'm always different with different people. I'll look ugly if you're unimportant. That's how stupid I look in school. I still love the time when I was 12, nobody recognises me when I'm out of school/church/choir. It's fun.

Life continues to suck. I've got loads to catch up in band tomorrow because I was sick on Saturday. Tomorrow we're gonna miss E-math lesson, so too bad. I won't get to know my results. I want E-math. I need need to be happy for a bit you know. The satisfaction of passing a subject when you're failing almost every single thing. It really does suck. I wish I won't have to face tomorrow anymore. I hate that feeling. No, it's not Monday blues. It's not about Monday coming. It's about everyday coming. The promise? I feel like breaking it already.

PS. Everyday's hard. I'm finding distractions to distract myself from you.

PPS. When it's finally working, the same fear of getting hurt floats. I don't dare to fall in love. Not anymore. So what if maybe I really am interested in him? It doesn't matter anymore. I'm too bloody scared. Forever is over.

2010-05-15T23:37:00.003+08:00

If I'm not thinking of what's happened, I won' be so troubled, lost and depressed. I wished I get knocked down by a car, suicidal or not? I DON'T CARE. I wish, I wish for that, because that'll either kill me without me breaking my promise or erase my memory forever, I won't have to remember anything or worry about anything that has/had happened.

I'm tired. I'm tired of it all. I'm sick of living like that. I'm sick of putting up a tough front when the truth is, I'm dying inside. I wanna cry it all out. I want to be weak for once. It burns. The hole gets bigger. I can hide it no more. I'm trying, trying hard, but I can't. It's driving me crazy. I can't handle it no more. Being emotional hasn't done me any good since young. It makes me ill when it gets too much. End product? I'm sick now. It all suck. Why can't I just handle it all? I'm so freaking useless. Why can't I just make myself smile like how I make them smile? Why can't I just know what I'm doing? Why do I keep thinking of doing something that's gonna hurt me badly? Why am I that stupid? It's hard keeping myself sane and not doing that stupid thing that's gonna send me through the same old pain again. I'm sick of being myself. Why do I always have to be so stupid? Why can't I just push my way through and protect myself? It sucks. It does.

It's been more than four months, I'm still here at that same spot. I don't seem to move on no matter how hard I try. It makes me wonder what I've done wrong to deserve all these things you do. Your aloof attitude towards me, your constant fears for me? Why? What have I done wrong? You asked me to treat you like your normal friend yet you treat me like your enemy. It's not like I'm constantly pestering you. You think I like being like that? No. I want to move on. I'm tired of it already. I'm sick of it. But I just don't know why I still love you so much despite all these and can't move on. I'm sick of allowing this to hurt me, allowing this to affect me so much. I don't understand why. I don't know why. Am I that bad? Am I that bad and lousy that you have to lie to me the reason why you chose to left and ditched me? All I want is the truth and I'll shut up and go away. Why don't I deserve that truth in which case that will affect me greatly? All I ask for is that little honesty from you for once for that reason for that question. It's torturing me. Why do I still love you? Because I'm the dumbest person on earth. I just want that answer, the real one. I beg you. Please, please. Why on freaking earth am I so stupid? Why do I still love you? I hate myself for that. I don't know what I've done wrong. But everything points back to me. I'm just not good enough for you, not for anyone. Not even for my friend that she has to ditch me all the time. Why on earth do I even exist? FML. I thought I loved you forever and that was good enough. But I've forgotten when he two-timed me, forever is over. I forgotten that lesson learnt. Tears are in my eyes as I type this, but what's the use? What's the point. I've lost you. You don't love me anymore. Maybe you've never even loved me before, you were just being nice to play with me and act like you did. You won't even care if I die. Haha... How successful I am. It's already proved. I really need you now, but you won't ever be here, somewhere near at all.

PS. Pilot, pilot. Please just appear now and take me away. Far far away. To a place called here, that I'll never ever have to shed a tear.

2010-05-13T23:24:00.002+08:00

So hey hey. No one's gonna laugh at me wearing specs anymore. I don't look that bad in this pair of specs as compared as the old half-framed one. And not as weird as the purple one. The purple one is nice, but just too big. I look like I have white teeth. Very white ones. It's a lie.

There's PE tomorrow and my inhaler is nowhere to be found. Band is resuming tomorrow, sucky thing is that I have rush all the way to Tanjong Katong to Chin Lien after band practice and I have to bring shoes, clothes, accessories and everything. My bag weighs a ton and it's fat. I'm having PMS or whatever but mood swings are knocking on my door. I want band to resume as much as I don't want it to resume. Everyone's gonna be so worried about me in band again and I don't want to be the centre of attraction, 'cause trust me. IT SUCKS. No more marching for me for a long time. I'm gonna grow faaaaat again. I want it to resume because it means more music in my life which is good. It helps me to relax, and gosh gosh. I'm gonna miss the seniors. So yeah, band resuming is good and bad for me. Feels good and bad.

School, school. It sucks. I'm not ready to find out my suck results just yet. Haven't have my fill of enjoyment. I slept for like the whole day today? Slept until 10 then went back to sleep at 12 and woke up at 6. I'm having fun sleeping the whole day dreaming about pilots, airplanes, Geogry, Jake, Des, Dani, Non and everyone else. Too depressed, and desperate for smiles. Yeah, I dreamt about Hawaii, the same old dream I had last time. Haha... I'm too depressed with my life and I have to continue pressing on and living on when I have an easy alternative just because I made a stupid promise. Thanks Ian, but I kinda hate you for that. I'm gonna live. SUCKS.

PS. I think I've got myself in a mess. XY, you've gotta slap me and tell me I'm mad.

PPS. I love FISH YUNI.

2010-05-13T00:33:00.000+08:00

Bad days. Haha... Good days. I'm finally done with all my examinations. A-math sucked like hell. Don't need to ask, but I know I'll fail. 30 marks for those questions that I don't know and not sure of. Plus those careless mistakes, confirm there's a few. I'm a blur sotong. What do you expect? CARELESS MISTAKES IN A MATH PAPER. Yeah, yeaps.

Times are bad. I'm bored. That's the bad thing. I can't deny the fact that I have still a lot to not think about. Well, playing with post-its, writing my lyrics, drawing (my art fail and I hate art, now you know how bored I am), fantasizing, camwhoring with photobooth (so unlike me lah. I'm not a big fan of camwhoring), writing random thoughts and stories on that little diary. Should take a picture of it and post it next time. It's gonna be not so fun after June. I'll start chionging. And band's gonna be hectic again. I'll be freaking busy with everything and lead a lifeless life. Too busy with life that I have no life. IRONY. I'll spend less times with the boys and my darlings from altos. Damn it.

Things just got a hell load worst. I entered Thursday by being stupid and hurting myself. I need to be emancipated for life. I cried again when I'm not supposed to. I broken my promise to myself. FUCK.

PS. Pilot, pilot. Talk to me? I don't dare to talk to you. Fly me to some place safe, a place that I'll never get hurt.

2010-05-11T23:30:00.000+08:00

No, no. Life continues to suck. Yeah, it's so freaking true. The biggest irony of life is life itself. Sucks to the max. It's A math tomorrow and obviously I'm slacking here. I haven't got that sense of urgency. I'm tired of working so hard. I really don't get logarithms, I suck at indices and surds too. So too bad for me right? YEAH. I'm gonna fail A math also.WOW. I never thought I would fail or do badly for math. So now, NO MORE LAUGHING AT MY BROTHER. 'Cause who knows? I may end up failing also.

Today was pretty much a laze day for me. Went to Parkway for lunch then to Chin Lien to study. I love the library, because it's damn quiet and cold. I did revise a little bit. A teeny weeny bit. Better than nothing. Fish is revising with me maximum and minimum point now. Haha... Over MSN. I'm gonna die very ugly tomorrow, but since it's the last, I don't really care. I'm still gonna be in good mood tomorrow. I wanna wanna celebrate. I'm gonna buy manuscript paper tomorrow. Chiong all those irritating stacks of harmonies out before some asshole SLs from choir come pester me again. Don't they ever notice that it's their job to do it, not me. I'm doing their shitty jobs for them not only are they not appreciative, they still complain that I'm slow. I'm having freaking exams leh. You people in university are doing what? Having holidays. You all got cheek to come and complain to me and scold me? WTH. My job as a CM is to read through those harmonies and make sure everyone can reach their pitches and that there aren't any clashes. One more time I get that bloody call you guys do your own bloody job yourself. I'm no more your maid. Only G, J, Des, Shan and Ivan bothers to turn up for harmonizing. Fucking irritating. And... I'm gonna finish the tune for my song. Hopefully I can get the chords correct, or else I'll screw up again. I don't know how Tristen composes when his chords = fail. I still love him for writing 'sorry you're leaving me' for me. Repaying me for my '7 times I love you'.

Telling myself everything is fine is very hard. You know you're deluding yourself. Try that. Living in a illusion. It's fun to think of stupid things. Haha... Tomorrow I have to wake up at 7 to revise. I'm going crazy, or maybe I already am. It's gonna be over soon. Fish ask me not to go crazy. I really am. I told her, after A math tomorrow, I can watch my MVs, and listen to my carols. Find a pilot boyfriend to fly me to Hawaii. I'm officially mad. I hope IMH will welcome me to be their new patient. Haha... I'm serious about the last part though. I always wanted a pilot boyfriend. Haha... Since very young, 'cause I thought planes were cool last time. And the best part is all pilots are tall and handsome with stunning figures. I wanted that until I decided that I never wanted to get married, so it's not important if I get the perfect type that I wanted. Haha... I remember asking G to be a pilot. NOT BECAUSE I WANNA MARRY HIM, but because he's damn handsome, tall (freaking 1.97) and has a stunning figure. Then Ian became a pilot. Haha... Yeah, I shall focus in finding a pilot. I'm already on my way to that. I've found one. I'm pretty sure I won't get him. For fantasizing purposes, he's not a bad choice. Right, XY? Yeah, eyecandy, whatever you call it. I don't like/love him or whatever. He's. Just. HAWT. Great, I'm becoming boy-crazy. *SLAPS MYSELF* Haha... Okay. Go study A-math and prepare to sleep!

PS. I need a shooting star now. I need to get out of Singapore. No need to be Hawaii, just out of here. =)

2010-05-10T23:28:00.003+08:00

Wednesday's the last last paper! Yay! Well, well. First time I dare say I FLUNKED EVERYTHING. Every single subject. It's pretty scary. It's the first time I do so badly, hopefully the last. It better be the last. Or I guess I'll really go and die. Kill myself if the disappointment isn't enough to kill. Yeah, I'm still suicidal. It's okay to be pessimistic. I'm super normal. Just more depressed.

Things have been really bad for me nowadays, distractions don't work, self-mutilation the method that always works fails too. I'm still in that depressed state and yes yes yes. Counseling don't work. So I'm wasting my $20 to go. I can't blame my parents for being worried, but it's me that's not opening up. I don't know how to. It goes back to the root in my heart and brain. I don't trust anyone. What happened 7 years ago made me quite sure. Then when I started trusting someone again, I grew too reliant to him, so when I lost him, I was going through shit. Really really shit. At some point of time it was so hard that I already died inside. Now things are slightly better, because I've built defenses, walls around me to prevent myself from getting hurt. Try? Give a chance? I don't think I'd dare to do it anymore. Sometimes being a coward sounds good. I'm not gonna get hurt by her again. I hope I'm stubborn and determined enough to not bother about that.

It's God that really does wonders and sent me a great friend. She was never really closed with me before this year, we were just normal friends. She was just like any other person I know, that I'll say hi to. But this year, she has always been there when I needed her. Maybe she hasn't noticed, but she has always been there to listen to me rant about random things and gossip with me. Make me smile when I wanna cry. Pick me up and strengthen me. We always play together and make up random stories when we're bored, complain about the weather together and most importantly, she made me trust in that word friendship again. I lost that faith for that bond in April, then she's there by my side encouraging me, advising me all the time. She's been a really good friend. That's why the pooh bear decided to become vegetarian and eat honey instead of fishes. Thanks fish! Thanks Yuni for being there for these few weeks. =) THANK YOU VERY MUCH. GOOD LUCK FOR TOMORROW! *SMILES AND GRINS WIDELY*

PS. Lalala... Where's my pilot? Fly me to Hawaii. I need to go to the beach now. Haha...

2010-05-09T23:47:00.001+08:00

I have a paper tomorrow and I'm not sleepy at all. I should be shot to death. I'm going crazy. Losing sanity never seem so fun. I can't stop myself from listening to Christmas Carols, yeah, in mid-May, where Christmas is like more than 7 months away. How nice? No sane person will do that. Well, yeah. I'M NOT SANE.

What do I do, when I finish all those examination papers super fast? Stone and smile to myself, thinking of people that I really wanna hug, thinking about baby Isadora, Sarah's wedding, lyrics, some random hot guy from ****** that XY knows, it doesn't distract me at all. I'm sick of trying so hard to not think of something and damn it, it ain't about the heart break. Not that much at all, because when I think of that, I always relate back to how stupid I am. It's so painful. It really is. I want to break down, I want to cry. I don't know what's with me, I CAN'T. BLOODY HELL NO. If I lose faith, no one will give me the strength to pull through any more. Not very comforting. Just fuck everything okay? Nothing goes right. I'm trying too hard to be okay. I'm not okay. Just fuck everyone that thinks that I want to attract attention, cos hell no. That's not what I want to do or I'm trying to. If you don't understand, don't want to try to understand then get out of the way AND NOT JUDGE ME OR WHATEVER I DO. 'Cause you don't know me. Nobody does. If I'm a weirdo to you, then so be it. I don't need you to like me. I can survive alone. Just fuck everything. Let me cry in my own small corner. How hard can that be? Because now, it seem almost impossible for me to cry.

PS. Where's my guardian angel? I need you now.

2010-05-08T22:28:00.002+08:00

'Cause ten years ago, I was that girl wanting to be loved. And today, that girl still wants to be loved, but the only thing changed is that she now knows that there's nothing called love. The difference the world has made to someone. Everything's a lie, made beautiful into a delusion that it's true.

I'm in love with A cappella music. Straight No Chaser's christmas music. Yes, it helps me to relax. LISTENING TO CHRISTMAS MUSIC MAKES ME SMILE. I love christmas. Haha... The season when everyone falls in love. That's what everyone thinks. I don't think that will ever happen to me again. Christmas blinds people, wrong judgements are always made then. It always happen like that, never fall in love if don't want to get hurt. Like as if that's possible. Even married people hurt each other. Sometimes I do miss the feeling of being attached, to the right people at that point of time at least. I don't deny the fact that it's nice to be taken care of, but what comes after that short period of sweetness is not something I would want to experience. Haha... Protecting yourself isn't wrong, but I'm too crazy about it. Makes me crazily paranoid over stuff. Falling in love is my favourite song, still. Ironic? Yeah. Very. It's the exact feeling. Never ever fall for someone that don't love you. But that's what we always do. Why, oh why? If things are too easy to get, why would you want it?

Things are getting better for me. I'm not feeling anything anymore. The numbness of what has happened managed to cure the pain. Time heals? No, it just blinds you of the pain because you've grown immune to it. It cures when you be strong and face the problem, and that'll only happen eons later. Whatever happens now don't matter to me anymore, since life is already meaningless, what else means something? It's over. *LAUGHS*

PS. Let me marry a pilot that can fly me everyday and I'll live happily ever after, like in those fairytales. (I'VE OBVIOUSLY LOST MY MIND)

2010-05-07T14:33:00.002+08:00

As crappy as life can be, we have to live it. No choice, unless we're cowards and we're gonna kill ourselves to not feel crappy and shitty. Well, examinations drove me crazy, I'm flunking almost everything, thank God today's math was not that hard, the easy but tricky type. Made loads of stupid mistakes despite checking through more than a thousand times as usual. At least I won't fail this paper.

Obviously my mood has been really bad since yesterday, I couldn't fall asleep till late late night, or should I say, early early in the morning? Yeah, it suck, no doubt. I'm still considering whether to risk to make my mood worse for E math paper 2 and A math paper or wait awhile more with the bad mood now and settle this stupid problem now, okay, it's not my problem. Well, I still hate being hypocrite, people know right? I hate you, then I write that 3 words on my face when I see you. As simple as that. Jake wants to try how it feels to be hated by me. *rolls eye* Boy, I love you too much bestie, so stop TRYING to make me hate you. It won't work. 7 years of friendship. AHAHAHA... Don't try anything funny. I'll kill you. I'm gonna have serious discussions about this. I feel stupid for not knowing how to handle it. I'm gonna learn how to be selfish this time round, hopefully. I'm sick of it all, to pretend to be okay just so that people don't get to find out they've hurt you badly. Fuck it, and don't be so considerate. 'Cause after all of these 'protections' you're the one getting all the hurt. No wonder I love to scream at Jake and he yells at me all the time. If saying I hate you best friend, I love you no more was easy, I won't be so affected. And Jake won't have to listen to me cry all the time right? HAHA... I kinda miss Ian now, he's still not back yet. He's in Tacoma now. Sucks. 4 years since I saw him. God, tuition time. ADDITIONAL MATHEMATICS. Yeah, FML.

PS. I still want to marry a pilot. IDK WHY. Haha... LOL TTM.

2010-05-06T22:18:00.000+08:00

Emancipation. I need to be emancipated. I can't be stuck in such a world. It's killing me, 'cause it ain't my world. I can't go on. I'm tired of it all. Tired of facing everything. I've changed, yes I have. I'm trying too hard to separate from others. I don't want to be with anyone. I need to be alone. I'm being anti-social or whatever you call it. I don't care. I can't do it. I know I can't. I can't hate someone no matter how much that person deserves to be hated, I can't get angry. It's all going on inside. Too much for me to handle. I can't throw it out no matter how I try. The only way is the way I promised not to try anymore. I'm gonna be selfish, for myself. I'm not gonna get hurt by the same person and the means again. I hope I won't. Ask me why I'm so weird? I'm building walls around me. I'm not letting anything in at all. I won't want a more scarred heart. I'm 15 only. My heart has already shattered.

People are super interested in my life, God knows why. Why does a fairly stupid girl's mundane life interest you people? Different perspectives? Yeah. A dumbo's one if you're asking me. Who would want to sell ice-cream next time because it makes children smile happily when she herself can't eat ice-cream? Me. That's me. That's me. Well, people always ask me, why you make people smile, but you're like a freaking depressed person? I don't know. It makes me happy seeing people around me happy. A crazy bitch. Yeah, I don't deny that.

That day Ian asked, why do you have such a weird taste for guys? He meant :

Why you'd rather date with older guys than someone near your age (not younger but a few years older or same age)?

Hard and tough question. I don't think I can answer that. Personal preference? We were discussing about choir then this random thing popped out of nowhere because we started on Jensen, ex-boyfriend who is 9 years older than me. People say the larger the age gap, the shorter you'll last with that person. Not true for me. My relationship with him sets the record. My longest lasting relationship, approximately a year and a half. Hard to imagine, I was only 11 then, when we broke up. Yeah yeah. It's unimaginable. But it's fun, when the only person you love has to act stupid to quarrel with you but takes care of you very well. The best part is that I get to sit in a shiny black BMW front seat. Why I fall for older guys? Nope. Old guys to be exact. I guess it's because I'm a really emotionally weak person, and I need someone to take care of me. Okay fine, I like being taken care of. I always need and want a shoulder to lean on. And I find people childish even when they are older than me. So yeah, that answers a big part of the question, matured guys. Only they are gentlemen. Yeah Ian, you're in that category, OLD MAN. You're 6 years older mind you! It answers the whole world's question. Desiree, Jake, G, Shan and everyone else who have been bugging me.

PS. Don't ask what's wrong when nothing to you is wrong. It's fine the way it is because you don't care. From the start.

2010-05-04T22:49:00.002+08:00

No, no. It sucks. It does. Why not physics first? Why Biology first? I'm not prepared yet. I'm freaking out again, but not as bad as yesterday's. Walking up and down panicking.

If you ask me, then yes. LIFE SUCKS. I NEED DRUGS. IF THEY WEREN'T ILLEGAL. Too bad they are. I'm going mad. I feel like sleeping now. Love Samuel truckloads because he bothered to pick up my phone call and answer my questions on Biology. Damn last minute, but it's always nice to have a friend that studies life science ready to teach. Haha... He said I should have asked him early, then he could meet me. I wanted to sms him in the afternoon, but I went to sleep. Chemistry makes me sleepy. I flip open paper 1 and yawn. DIE. Let's just hope that facts get into my brain and I manage to memorise some names of the enzymes. BYEBYE.

2010-05-02T19:16:00.003+08:00

When do you feel like hugging your best friend? When you're in the worst shape. Please don't sing the songs I hate, I miss my best friend who is in Berlin now. I need that asshole. He's not returning soon. I'm not surviving. Not at all. I'm stressed out, thinking about my existence as always. I can't find any reasons for living on earth. It's just meaninglessly boring.

I'm crazy, reasons why are evident. Melissa is playing christmas carols everyday. She needs to listen and blasts 12 days of christmas when bathing. She starts dancing while doing so. It makes her the least bit happier in her ugly world. She lives in her imagination. Yeah, that's my life now. Everyday is December. I'm deluding myself, but I don't care. It makes me feel the least bit better.

I'm planning on failing every single subject already. Pass for what? I feel like skipping school on exam days. Pass or fail, it equates to the same answer. You're not working hard enough, you are a lazy bum. Even if you were to score full marks, it's never enough. I don't know what else to say. Death is definitely the end of everything, but only a coward would control it and choose the time. It's not suicide if you're already dying. HAHA... Yes, yes. Then maybe maybe...

It's fun to destress. Do crazy things. Laugh and cry at the same time. Fold paper hearts and cut them up, to ease heartbreaking pains. I'm gonna do cross stitch. FUCK EVERYONE WHO HATES ME FOR MY PIERCING. I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE IN THE WORLD WHO PIERCED MY EARBONE.

2010-05-01T10:07:00.002+08:00

Labour day, but no holiday for me. I'm gonna study chemistry later. I may just breakdown again like I do these few days. Who laughs and cry at the same time? Well, I did during A-math class on Friday, because I was freaking out about failing Social Studies. During the paper, I was laughing away, thinking about who I want to hug, lovely chocolates and sun tanning in Hawaii, GOD KNOWS WHY. That's how you become mad I guess. I keep on giggling during the paper, laughing at how I don't know how to do the paper. I looked at Yuni, she laugh, I laugh more. First time I know I'm gonna fail.

Things are getting worse, the tension, the pains, the nausea, the vomiting, the faints, everything. It's what happens when time is slipping pass your fingers and you can't do anything. Am I scared? It's a lie if I say no. I'm counting down everyday. It's not fun at all. I don't like making everyone worried. It's all my fault. If it weren't for my stupidity, I would have gone that time. This will never happen. I need that sturdy shoulder for me to lie on now. Too bad. Too bad...

2010-04-28T22:15:00.002+08:00

It's freaky. I'm sitting at home, only being insane, not thinking about what I should do, but what's gonna be my future. What may be my future. If it's gonna happen, by all means, I can fail everything. I don't know what I'm doing. What can I do? I'm that useless bum sitting all alone, rotting away. There's nothing I can do. I get tired too easily. I don't have that thing to push me forward anymore. Well, everyone knows Melissa is good at nothing but only studying, now I can't even study. It makes me uselessly worthless right? YES.

No, I'm not talking. No, I'm not gonna tell anyone how I feel. So shut the fuck up and stop asking me what's happening, what I'm thinking. I'm not telling. NO NO NO. Desiree knows what it means by idiots always get their way done. She's just experienced it. Jake, well he's never gonna learn that. I'm lying in bed using Shan's lappy, because I'm too freaking bored, I don't want to talk. I don't know why they've come back so early, but well. They are back. I miss the time where I never got tired no matter what I did, I gave my all for everything I do. When dreams do come true, but they will never come true. Lying on G's lap, dying in J's bed, hugging Danielle, carrying Shannon, french kissing Desiree. Things I'll definitely miss. God, I'm dying right now. Exams? It means nothing.

2010-04-22T22:34:00.002+08:00

Emancipation on that day. I'm still waiting for that day. I hope I haven't lost my sanity by then. I'm dying of tiredness. I can't stop sleeping, so yeah. You know I haven't been studying. I need to study, next week's MYE. But I can't stay awake.

Battling with all those stupid people, I beg to differ from what others think about this incident. It's my choice isn't it? To press on or not to press on. It doesn't make my day. It makes me regret telling some people. It's making me stressful. I don't want to keep acting like I'm okay. I'm not. It's driving crazy. Well, life always suck. So be it. Let it suck till the end. Funiculi Funicula Rhapsody, La Tarentella and Moment Musical in F Sharp Minor don't make my day. So what do I do? Sit down and cry.

Thanks for being so aloof. Thanks for making my life miserable, till now I still think of you. Till now I still love you. Yes, I'm no doubt the stupidest in the world. I still want that answer.

2010-04-21T22:25:00.002+08:00

I am pissing everyone off with that few short sentences. 'I don't give a damn anymore. Just let me go. Give me up. I hate hanging on on something where there's no hope. I've gotta go one day anyway. Just let me go. It's my life.' Jake doesn't want to talk to me because of that, so yeah. IT'S BAD.

Sometimes, it's really time to say goodbye. I don't even know what's happening, and I just get blamed for what others have done. Yes, misunderstanding. That's just a nice term. They're just being nice. I'm not nice. I don't want to be nice. I've had enough. I can't stand it no more. I don't want to be toyed. Is it wrong to even make choices for myself? I don't want to get hurt. 4 times. Isn't it enough? How much more pain must you inflict on me? I don't know what will happen from now onwards, since so little time is what I have left.

Painful, but life goes on. I can't help it anymore. I'm getting more and more day by day. I've never slept in class unless I'm sick. And in the past 15 years, when I'm sick, I've only fell asleep once in class. Now, I just can't help it. I'm useless. For once, I can't even study. I can't even stay awake in class. What kind of person am I? How to not give up on myself. I'm sick of trying. I don't have any strength left. There's nothing for me to fight for. Nothing anymore.

Why until now, you're still there, in my heart? You don't care, you never will, you never did. So why do I care? Because I'm an complete idiot.

Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high. That's where I'll soon be.

2010-04-20T22:12:00.002+08:00

I'm really hopelessly hopeless. I don't know what I'm doing. Giving up now seems a wise choice, even though it's wrong. I don't know what else to do now. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of everything. There's nothing pushing me forward, not anymore. The end is near, anyway. I keep thinking, what if it doesn't happen. What will life be to me?

False hope. It all is. It's hard to force yourself to believe that it is. It's hard. I need to believe in it, but I don't want to. I'm tired of being all alone. I'm tired of pushing myself forward when there's nothing in front. The hole in my heart just grows bigger every single day. It rips me apart to see him. Tear my heart into two, shattering it into tiny pieces. I'm going through that every single day. Nobody knows, nobody cares. Maybe it's time to let go of everything, and really give up.

2010-04-19T22:58:00.000+08:00

It's getting harder. I've made the same mistake twice, not exactly identical, but it involves hurting someone. I've never forgiven myself for that first time, neither am I gonna forgive myself for the second time. It just makes me conclude that I'm an ass. I can't understand anything I'm doing anymore.

Well, today was really a bad bad day. I almost died in school. I was damn tired. I almost fainted in the toilet today. Went to vomit, and ended up sitting on the floor stoning because I simply have no strength to stand up. It wasn't fun. It was disgusting. Thank God the freaking cubicle was quite clean and it was dry. I almost died during class, not because it's fucking boring, but I was fucking distracted and I was feeling like shit. I was thinking about what's gonna happen a few short three months away from now, whether I would still be there in class, whether I would get worse, whether I would still be healthy, whether the pain would be gone. It's too hard to think of, but too hard to not think of. The only fun time I had was during Biology, when I was sitting with Clement. At least I did laugh a bit, thanks to his lame jokes. And Joshua's home. My brother doesn't need to stay over. I'm happy. LOL.

I still remember the times, when I was really happy. I won't give up till the end, when the end comes, I always get what I want. The perseverance, or it's just me being stubborn. I'm sick of it. I give up. I want to let go, but it's not happening today. Somehow, I haven't got the strength to push myself further. I don't have anything to go on for, to strive for. I know I'm gonna disappoint a lot of people, but I can't help it. I miss the times when G and J will always be happy and make me laugh all the time. I miss the times where I dance every time I hear Moment Musical in F Sharp Minor. How I used to make J die lying in my arms, how we always sing Mcfly songs randomly when our moods are bad to cheer each other up. But now, whenever they're with me, those two besties, they're always worried about me, whether I'm fine. How they should talk to me, how they make hurt me when they act because I'm so super breakable. It sucks. I want my life back.

It's been more than 3 months, I'm still thinking of you. It's been 3 months, I haven't forgotten anything. People ask, why I cut my hair. The only thing I tell them is, 'I don't know, I feel like cutting?' The truth, there's too many thing I don't wanna remember. Every time I touch my hair, I would think of everything, how you love playing my hair, God knows why. How your head rested on my hair, how your breath touches my hair lightly blowing it on bus rides, since I'm always sleeping on your shoulder. I can't. I can't forget. I always look at you from a distance, hoping you'll look back, but sometimes when you look back randomly, I look away, afraid that you'll see me peeking. Sometimes, I want to believe that you're looking at me from afar too. But I know you're not. You've made it clear. That I don't love me any more scarred me. I remember that time, I was so tired, I fell asleep on the bus, you didn't bear to wake me up until we reached the interchange. Thinking of all these, I'll cry.

Now, I really need you. I really need you to get me through. I need that sturdy shoulder that I can lean on. I need your smile, I need to hear your voice to pull me away from those faints. I need to smell that familiar smell of you. I need you. I really need you. I'm too weak. I can't get myself through this. I beg to differ from what others tell me, because I still love you. I'll listen to whatever you say. You're the only thing that keeps me believing, makes me alive. I need your hand to grab, when it gets too painful, let me know that you'll pull me out of it. Others tell me you don't care, you behave like I don't. I think you don't but I can't help it to bear a little hope, how little that is, I don't know. You behave like I'm a complete stranger. You treat me like as if I've never entered your life, like an enemy. You make me feel like you're avoiding me, you're afraid of me. It'll be over after a short while, I'll kiss this goodbye. I won't bring this with me, I can't. Maybe when I'm gone, you won't miss me, but you'll definitely be happier. But I love you. I really do. I can't forget you. I wish I could go up straight to you right now, jump into your arms and hug you, tell you I love you and kiss you. But I can't. I don't have that right anymore. You don't love me anymore. Not a tiny bit. Since you've said it. I'll have to force myself to believe that you don't. Since it came out of your mouth. I want to tell you I love you, I can't. You're always so near, but miles away. I really hope that you do care still. I want you, I need you, I love you. Just one hug. It's sufficient. Because. I. Love. You. More. Than. Anything. I'm willing to die, if it makes you happier. You wanted to me to treat you like my friend, but you're not treating me like one. I know not how to be your friend. It's painful, but since you're happy this way, then my pain and suffering, it's all worth it. I can never have you back by my side, even though I want to. One last time, I love you very much.

2010-04-15T22:44:00.000+08:00

I don't know what to do, I really don't. So stop asking me. The mistakes I've made are really unforgivable. I don't know why I've said that out when I fainted. I don't know what I'm doing. Maybe it's true that I'm insane. I hope it's true so I shirk all responsibility when I screw up. That's gonna be soon. I know it's gonna be soon.

Always, times like these makes me miss Jake's bear hugs. Too bad he's in Essex now. Haha... The only person who will call from South Africa to Singapore when he's best friend is broken. Well too bad he's the only human that makes me feel better when I'm down. No wonder the 7 year best friend relationship is still strong. Talked to Jesse a bit, he wants to be my counsellor. Another asshole-like bitch who loves to gossip with me. It makes him a girl. Distracted me for a while. Gossiped about lotsa stuff, from choir especially. He's trying to tell me how some girls are never too attractive for him. And about a slut who has a boyfriend and now says that she likes him. Pisses me off. I pity her boyfriend, my good friend. Jesse says she's gonna turn in a prostitute to get him. I want to see that happen.

Today's a bad day. I can't focus and think properly. What's wrong with me? IDK. I don't know. I need to break down in someone's arms soon. Before I really go mad. MYE IS STARTING ON 27/4. DIE!

2010-04-14T18:28:00.000+08:00

Today's sports day. It's really boring for me, because I'm damned tired. I almost fell asleep despite the heat, and despite the fact that I was perspiring like hell. It really suck. I hate the weather. It makes my mood bad. Makes me sleepy. Makes me lazy. I don't wanna do my homework. I don't feel like studying for my Social Studies and Math test tomorrow, and I have a whole pile of homework I owe, undone. It really suck. I failed my chemistry test, scoring 3/20. The lowest in class, I think. I can't understand A-math at all. E-math is still fine. I'm not gonna do well for MYE at all. It's a miracle if I pass everything.

I'm not going to perform for the hall formation. It sucks. I don't have a choice, because I have 10 days MC from CCA and I'm pretty sure nobody wants me to faint besides maybe that asshole who hates me so much. Nobody would want to carry me. Haha... Too heavy. I must slim down, since I can't grow any taller.

Tomorrow there's band practice! Yay! And no afternoon classes. I'm gonna be so so happy. I hate being in classes more and more. It makes me really stressed up. I can't help but to think that I don't understand anything. Tomorrow's tests. I'll die. Die ugly. I really really don't see why I am in 3e2. I'm not even anywhere near good in science or math or anything related to studies. I want to quit school!

I'm still not recovering. That sucks. I won't be in choir for very long. Yes, until I fully recover and well, until I can understand my school work. Anyway, I don't need to go until weeks later when soloists are supposed to go for combined practices. I need to study. And well, rest. I'm completely worn out. I don't know why, I just feel like sleeping all day long. Haha... Damn lazy to do anything. I'm having bad gastric pains now. I don't know why. Haha... Pain pain pain. Hopefully, I'm gonna fun.

2010-04-11T20:24:00.004+08:00

CONGRATULATIONS TO BOWEN MILITARY BAND! We've got GWH! I'm really happy, though I'm a little disappointed that we didn't get the Best Display Band Award. Cried like mad yesterday, even before the competition. Haha... I was so freaking scared that I would faint before we leave the performing area, or whatever you call it. Luckily, I didn't. Well, that's what everyone say. It's amazing I can't remember anything. I can't imagine finishing doing the formation. So yeah, I was half-faint already during the formation. My memory failed me before the start of the diamond. So yeah, I have no idea what happened at all. I wake up, the get knocked out again. I heard someone asking me if I was okay, a guy which sounded like Kin Seng, then I heard Gigi, then I saw Shawn carrying me and the I felt water, and the pain. I started crying when I went back to join the section, because I did squeak, and I felt like shit. I was scared when I fainted okay. I can feel myself drifting away, and fighting to come back is really tiring. Marching out together with the band made me felt really good, I've done my best already. I cried when they announced the results. I was really happy. We did it. Everything's worth it. Fainting, the pain, the tiredness, everything. After play It's my life and Persis for the school, I've finally fainted again. I fainted on Eric. I know because he was standing beside me. Hopefully he's fine. Haha... I was sent to A&E. It suck. People celebrating, I was alone in the hospital. They did a pregnancy test on me for nobody knows what reason. I went to Hougang Point to find my section after I was discharged. Slacked at Macs until 12 am. Thank God, everything is over now. I enjoyed my SYF period. Too bad it's so short. I'll miss the seniors... Thank you everyone who has been taking care of me during this period of time. Love you all!

2010-03-31T22:53:00.000+08:00

Transylvania. I can't imagine if I lived there at that time. It looks fun in the video, how Princesses' parents stops them from falling in love with vermins. I wonder what'll it be like if I have parents who would kill me just so that I won't fall for vermins. Assholes. Jerks. Bastards. Heart breakers.

I've got my new spectacles. I've bought two pairs, because my mum says it's cheaper. Haha... It's $168 for a pair, $218 for two pairs, so she asked me to buy 2 pairs. Both plastic frames, since I'm always so blur and danger-prone, so better safe than sorry. The purple one looks super big and makes my eyes look longer. I'm gonna wear it to school tomorrow. I'll wear the brown one some other time. I love purple too much. Royal purple just rock. Why can't I wear contact lenses? Pay more attention. Haha... I sure look weird with spectacles and pinned-up fringe. But who cares? It's okay to look ugly in school.

Life's getting harder day by day, it feels worse when you're going through shits of life alone. Sometimes, you just feel so weak and tired that you just want to stop there, and end everything. Being strong never felt so difficult. Sucks, yes it does. It's always smiling through everything that's getting everyone through. It will never get you through. I'm gonna be happier, that's what I'm telling myself, brainwashing doesn't help. I still need that sturdy shoulder for me to lean on. It's been long. I'm gonna walk away, despite the conflict down there. Who cares? I don't. Not anymore.

Bro's coming home this weekend! NS is stealing him away from quarreling with me. I'm super bored at home. He says there aren't fans, so my poor brother is pespiring every night. Haha... I think he'll laugh at how nerdy I look now, but I don't care. Quarreling distracts me from other things I'm not supposed to think of.

PS. Sunflower, shine brightly again. Forget those pains, be that girl.

2010-03-30T22:51:00.003+08:00

I'm insane, I really am. I'm gonna do whatever I want. And joke of the day? I foun out that Andre is like my brother. Randomly. Tom Fletcher looks really really handsome with short hair and spectacles. The thick-framed black-coloured one. I still find Dougie Poynter hot. Damn freaking hot. Danny Jones' low low voice is still that sexy. Harry Judd is still as funny as long time ago. I'm still in love with mcfly.

School really sucked today. Well, before afternoon class. I got really high during afternoon class. I don't know why. Maybe it's just the level of self-pity getting higher. I need to make myself feel a tiny weeny bit less pathetic. I shan't sympathize with myself should I? I really don't care. It doesn't really matter since I'll be feeling so shitty for a long period of time. Zuo Fu read my latest diary entry, sucks. He said I'm always so emo, even on facebook. Yeah, I can't help it. Pathetically stupid, too bad, that's what I am.

Things are not right, and nothing numbs it. It's just too painful. I can't use anything to distract myself anymore. Sometimes somethings are unforgettable. It's funny how I cannot cry, how I can't do anything but pity myself for being so fucking stupid. What's there left to do? Don't ask me. I don't know. I don't want to know.

The irony : You tell her no, you don't feel for her. You love her no more. You tell her friend you still care for her. You love her.

Reaction? Laugh and laugh at that jerk.

PS. Sunflowers are beautiful, but I'm sorry I've withered. I'll never shine so beautifully anymore. No more.

2010-03-24T23:37:00.001+08:00

I've never been so weak. I've never cried so little, but felt so bad. I've never tried so hard to escape reality. I've never tried so hard to not do something till it's so tiring that I just wanna let go of my sanity. Sometimes, I wish I didn't have to care about so many things. I always wanna ask why life can't be as easy as ABC. Why can't people accept what some people do, how some people are.

I've been crying more than enough. I haven't been a decent human for a long time. I've never felt so useless in my life before. I can't even memorise three freaking poems, I had to embarrass myself in front of the teacher who had high expectations of me. I haven't been doing well in my best subject, math. I haven't been doing my homework. I hate myself being like this, but there's nothing I can do to stop this change. Where's that me who never gives up, who works hard, sets her priorities right, never let the 4-letter word affect her no matter what. Now, Melissa doesn't care about her life. Walks lifelessly like a zombie. Maybe I really should die. Nobody cared if I would, so never mind about that. I won't waste resources. I won't waste money and time. I still remember how hard I cried when I received my report card, how disappointed I was in myself. How much I hated myself. I'm far too stupid to be called a human. A disgrace to the entire race.

Why did our paths cross?

Why did you have to hurt me, when I gave you my all?

Why did you have to make me cry, when I loved you so much?

I never thought I would ever be so affected. I never thought I could love someone so much, when half the time I didn't care. I never thought I would allow someone to hurt me so much. I can't understand why I still can't let go. I really ought to be shot to death. I should be. I don't understand why I try so hard. I can't understand why I try so hard to act and act. I don't understand why I don't have any more tears to cry.

PS. When you know you're hurting yourself loving a worthless person (or at least all your friends agree that he is), you'll understand what I mean.

2010-03-21T22:34:00.003+08:00

So now, I am gonna die. I haven't done a single thing. I haven't done any homework at all. I can't do anything. I'm gonna die already. I'm really tired and I'm feeling freaking sick now.

Great, now Heymath is not working, I can't do my math e-learning assignments. What the hell. It's not fun when you want to do your work and you can't. HAHA. How great. I can't stand it. Technology. I'm gonna die of heart attack.

Went for sectional outing, took only 27 photos. Pretty pathetic. But well, it's okay. We'll have picture spam soon soon. I wasn't really in the mood to play like crazy. I felt like I was dreaming all day. The same old word. I don't feel like repeating it again. I'll upload the photos soon, when I have the time. That's not gonna be soon.

PS. I don't know whether it's my sensitivity or not. Believe or not to believe. I'm lost. My heart says be positive, feels positive. My brain says otherwise and feels nothing more but shit and negativity. FUCK LIFE.

2010-03-17T21:40:00.000+08:00

Don't ask, don't probe. I'm dying already, so stop making me sick. I'm sick enough to die. I've been sleeping like a pig all day. Didn't eat breakfast and lunch. I don't have the strength to even sit up after I went home from school. All I did was shiver under my blanket and hope to become warm under two layers of blankets. No point. It didn't work anyway.

It's just life I guess. When everything is going wrong, your body defies you. Nothing you can do about anything anymore. Your life is crashing. All you can do is sit down cry and wait for death to claim another person. It's that hopelessly helpless, if you ask me. There's nothing else to keep me going anymore. Everything means nothing to me. I don't know how to do it anymore. If I can smile, I would. It's something not effortlessly done anymore. It's more painful than everything else. I'm counting down.

It's not something I can do. Am I not miserable enough? I know I'm stupid but I don't know why I can't do it. A few more months, then maybe I would be happier. Or at least he would. The headache it has cause isn't going away.

2010-03-13T22:26:00.003+08:00

Don't ask why life sucks. It suck because it does. Randomly, I saw 'love is forever' on someone's blog. Then I thought of the girls' favourite song. It adds up to 'love is forever, forever is over. ' Don't ask why I'm always thinking pessimistic, it's just me. There's no way to think positive if you're me. I've forgotten everything about thinking positively.

I now have broken my record that was never meant to be broken anymore, as of January don't know how many-th. Can't remember the freaking date. I now have additional ones. I'm starting from scratch about living my life. I've forgotten how to do it. I'm falling in love with standing and staring into blank spaces.

Today was sucky. Had my grade 5 theory paper, it sucked. I'm not gonna get distinction. I'll kill myself when the results are out because I won't get a distinction. Speak about how useless I am? You know how useless I am. I'm not good at anything. Even the only ability I have had had decided to leave me a few weeks ago. Sucks. It really does. I'm not going to think about how I'm gonna survive this year. There's no way I can. Look at everything that has happened, my hands, my school work, my results and now I can't even do a fucking theory paper properly. Who ought to be shot to death? Nobody but me. Let's not forget about other things like you know what. It's always nice to know that nobody reads my blog. I can say whatever I want, enjoying the privacy.

It's been 2 months already. I'm nowhere near getting over you, despite how hard I tried being hard. You made two requests, both I can't live up to. It's no way I can treat you normally. I have to avoid you. I don't know anything else anymore, than to act like nothing has happened, so that I wouldn't be reminded of anything that has happened. It's still bleeding. I'm losing blood so fast, I don't know how much longer I have left. After two months, the bleeding hasn't stop, the pain is still not numb enough for me to not feel anything. It doesn't really matter does it? You don't care, no matter how much pain I'm feeling. No you don't care whether I miss you, whether I still love you. You won't even be there as a friend. You're a stranger. You treat me like a stranger. You can't even do what you requested me to. What do you want me to do? If you're not strong enough, I will not be. At all. You know how much weaker I am. I don't know why, after so long, after so much have happened, I still can't get over it. I still love you. It doesn't matter. You don't care. And what's left to say? My soul is dead, even if I'm physically alive, nothing matters. I want to care, maybe I still do, but I don't have the strength to carrying on and keep up anymore. I still love you.

2010-03-12T22:05:00.000+08:00

I'm so super stressed out. I can't get any of those musical terms into my brain and the examination is just tomorrow. Tomorrow morning! I'm so screwed. I'm super unprepared. I'm already having butterflies in my tummy.

Today isn't a good day. Broke down before I even got my results and broke down again after I got my report book. I can't can't accept the fact that I've done so so freaking badly. I'm not good at anything, I'm resigned to that fact. I've got my fill of alcohol. Whisky and white wine. Yeah, insane. Just a day before an examination I paid $108 to sit for. I'm insane. Sanity isn't something that belongs to my brain. Not anymore.

It's just not me anymore. I missed the touch of love, my favourite scents of roses and strawberries, the smiles I used to wear on my face, the taste of food, the tears of happiness. All these, I've lost. It's been so long, and I still sit here, not being able to accept a fact that I should have long accepted. Everything just adds up to every single painful memory. How useless my pair of hands are, my brain isn't function properly. I can't protect those I should. I can't even keep the one I love. I really missed how happy I could be no matter what stand in front of me. I miss how I smile. I may never do it again. I mayn't be able to protect those around from those ugly things. I'm only capable of hurting them now. I can't forget that weary face in front of me, I can't do anything but only apologise. It's all my fault. I'm the cause of it. I wanna run away, call me a coward, I don't care anymore. I don't have any strength or courage left to tread on the path ahead. How many more people must I hurt? Now the only thing I'm good at is gone. My hands are useless. Might as well chop them off. I might as well sleep and not wake up. Two words. GOOD RIDDANCE. I need to be gone. I'm all of it. I don't know how to go on anymore. There isn't anyone that I can open up too anymore. No one will be there whenever I need, no matter how late it is. I'm exploding. Nobody cares. It's comforting to know, isn't it?

2010-03-11T23:07:00.000+08:00

What is everything else, when life don't mean anything to you anymore? When life doesn't mean anything at all. I don't know anything anymore. I'm not doing anything, because I simply don't know what to do. And that does. SUCK. Life has lost its meaning alongside with everything else. Everything else to me's just simply meaningless. Don't go change it, sorry's not good enough.

Meaningless meanings. I still have to live my life until it ends. It helps to think that everyday draws me nearer to that. It's my responsibility to live my life. That really makes me feel like shit. I just don't feel like waking up every morning. I struggle to. I always want to convince myself that I'm not on earth anymore. It fails every time, because I'm still alive and kicking. It sucks. I really feel like standing on the street waiting for something to bang me down and die. I've been looking down from fourteenth floor, wondering how much pain there'll be if I jumped down.

Well, I still have to thank those who patiently listened to me rant just now. Jessica, Jonathan, Mei Hui and Huilin. I'm sorry that I couldn't control my emotions. It's been in me for too too long. It just had to come out. Sorry if I was really really rude. I think I was. So for that, sorry. I never thought of doing that this time. I just couldn't handle it anymore. Crying gave me a throbbing headache. Nothing more. Thank you people for being there. =)

PS. Stop making decisions for me. You never knew or ever known what I want. I guess you never will know.

2010-03-09T22:21:00.000+08:00

I need to vent everything out. Vent isn't really the right word, because it's not the anger. It's just everything, stress, stupidity, foolishness, upsetting happenings and all things happening. I'm starting to hate myself, really I do. I didn't know it's wrong to be alone too. I need to cool down, I want to be separated, loner or not? Damn it. I know I should have felt loads better by this time, but things ARE indeed getting worse. I became selfish, hurt someone I loved dearly, my best friend. I don't know what else to do or say. He ain't angry. And that's the thing that kills me. I'd feel loads better if he hated me.

School sucks. I am in no mood to concentrate. I just can't sit and listen. I can't keep my mind off somethings. Things just drop by in my mind and never go away. Stupid. Suicide is definitely an option when you're completely mental. I need to do some thing to distract me. That explains the reading in class. Got caught by Mrs Li again. I really think that she thinks that I've been sms-ing. I was reading Eclipse. I need to do something to not read in class and don't allow crap into my brain at the same time. I was super distracted during band practice today. I just made all the mistakes in one day in a run of the formation. I ought to be shot dead. Something's wrong. I don't know what is. Whatever reason it is that got me standing in the middle of the road, not noticing what's wrong (plain idiocy) standing there thinking of what I've been doing, it better ben non-stupid. Or else I'll throw myself out of the window immediately. I don't know. I need to do something to stop that, since I was disallowed to do what I've done in the past, then I'll do something else. Maybe experiment with needles and keys. That'll be fun.

PS. Cutting my hair didn't make those things go away. I hate myself for being so stupid.

2010-03-08T21:25:00.002+08:00

Yeah yeah. I'm the living dead. I'm being even more dead now. Nothing can distract me anymore. Not even Twilight Sequel. Reading it only makes me feel more guilty. And it's affecting my school work. I can't be bothered to study. I give up. I really give up. After all that hard work, 2 A1s, others all Bs? I might as well not study and fail everything. My life is screwed. I can't do anything right. Useless Melissa. Haha... The car didn't even want to bang her in the morning just now. Since I can't do the destress in a simpler less suicidal way, then do it dangerous. Never mind if I died anyway.

I'm soul-less that's how I feel if you ask me. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm staying away from everyone, it's a pretty blatant fact. I don't have to hide. I wished that I'll wake up tomorrow dead, in heaven I'll be. I miss everything about me. How I would carefully never hurt others, how happy I can make others around me feel even when I'm not, how I would smile my way through everything. Life has lost its meaning. There's nothing to keep me alive anymore. My useless pair of hands can't do anything. My dream, gone. I don't want to hide it anymore. I want to cry everything out, but it's impossible. I can't cry. I don't know why. I want to. I need to force it out. I don't like breaking down in the middle of nowhere. I need to die, if you were to ask me. There's nothing left in life for me. Nothing left.

PS. Sorry's not good enough. But I still have to apologise to you. I'm sorry, G.